这一年

最近很烦心。虽然还不到时候烦。但是模糊的未来叫我不知所措。
2009年。我不知道如何评价的一年。
8个月杀G之旅告诉我了什么叫做不放弃什么叫做坚持什么叫做全力以赴。
之后了。为了什么。
我不是一个有远大目标的人。我知道。但我也不是一个毫无目标的人。
这是好事也是坏事。
2009年1月。从美国回来。前几个月哭哭啼啼。中间几个月奋奋斗斗。后面几个月恍恍惚惚。
面前有了选择。而且是一选就无法回头。
人生原来这么像赌注。结果可以很好也可以一败涂地。
Yun输光那天，我才发觉原来他不是一直都在赢得。
我呢 输不输得起。

昨天施叔叔说了一句话：年轻就是资本。你们都是亿万富翁，可惜很多人都不知道。
人生的轨道变来变去。人总是会慢慢开始变得不安全。
我总是给自己说一辈子还长着呢，万一错了也没关系。
可是真到了做觉得时候，前瞻后顾。

总是不能两全。为什么呢。

转眼要23了。现在进去forever 21的店都在想自己还有没有资格。
2010年过去的那天，应该已经做好了决定。应该已经抛弃了很多。只能寄希望与自己也会得到那些朝思暮想的东西。

我要幸福。可是幸福好难。

MerryXmas

This is Christmas Eve.
I am alone at my room. it is always the best way to celebrate.
the 2 Christmas before univerity were nothing but crazy night at orchard.
we got dirty and wet and tired. this is no longer our thing.
then the first 2 Christmas were almost the same. had dinner with AJ and then we went back home early before 8pm and enjoyed out silent night.
last year was the best ever.
this year, i got the best gift yesterday from myself and now i am loving the night. quiet, no people around, and the distance to Rhodes Island is even not that far.

can i just make a wish.

Say goodbye to my dear friend who has been with me for 8 months

Finally.
it would be totally an unique experience with you.
you dont know how much i am thankful now.
thank you for being fair to me.
suddenly the bad results came out yesterday means nothing.
because efforts finally are paid off now.
I wanna thank many people.
And I wanna thank myself for hanging there, for keep doing the tedious and boring work with no sense of speculation.

It's a long way.
Though it is true for some people who don't care that it is not a big deal at all.
yeah it is just a test which can determine nothing.
but it tells me, life is worth fighting for.
and though it let you down once, as long as you do not give up.
the day you hope for will finally come.

I am way too happy. Need to get some sleep.

1

Panic Panic Panic Panic Panic!!
Panic Panic Panic Panic Panic!!
Please Please Bless Me....
Please please please please

2

less than 2 days left.

over control of nothing.

afterall i am still nobody.
but one thing is right: it's my fight.
no one else cares like myself do.

dream is over.
or there is not dream ever.

why

sometimes when a familiar face tends to fade.you feel the hopelessness and powerlessness. let bygones be bygones.

and last night i was not allowed to have a temper.
i am so not a temper person.
i am so not a choleric person.

I do try to make myself happy. really.
happy like a stupid baby who never grows up.

三角怪诞爱

这首 不知为何似乎火了
一天之内我已经看过很多indie-pop的人翻唱了
记得当时拿到那张断线的耳朵 就是最喜欢这首歌
果然是有instinct
想想 5年多了
和良还录过好几次 她好像之后还改编了又录了一次
呵呵 想起挤在宿舍一个小间里面用复读机录歌的艰苦日子

Everytime I think of you,
I get a shot right through into the bottom of blue.

确实是是首好歌。
可是每人都喜欢每人都唱 Bizarre Love trangle也不再bizarre了。

R & R

*Rose and Rachel still can be good friends. how wonderful is that.
--------------
*Sometimes I really hate some of my good friends behaving inconsiderate and ponderous swelled-headed. If you cant do things for my good, at lease do not impede me from doing so.
--------------
* I love when someone said "what she really wants is to be with us." because it's damn true.
--------------
* I start to believe in so-called"women's instinct" and "tacit understanding".
--------------
* 3 days left. Please pray for me. I am trying hard. Please don't let me down.

December means no holiday for me. And I am ok with that.

Killed too many

I have killed to many lives these days.
untold ants. one bee. and several dunnno what bugs/insects on my floor this morning.
RVR really makes me feel what old KR really means.
People told me before but i did not feel it then.
and the toilets are dirty even during holidays.
I still wonder who the hell are the ones peeing on the toilet bowl all the time?
Can people stop behvaving like disgusting idiots.please.

Persistent

when my prof gan first accepted me to be his honor student, he said "i'd love to take in the ones who are persistent".
I guess i am that kind of person.
normally i should be in bed 2 hours ago.
but i am now still sitting here trying to call that number. over and over again.
about every half an hour, my skype deduced 0.017 euro because of a not get-throughed call.
i should probably give up and go get some sleep.
I am not sleep at all. that's the problem.
the whole not getting through the line thing keeps bugging me. I hate to bring sth in mind to my dream. i don't like to leave the knotty feeling to the next day.
I just can't get over it.
I am just mad i guess. I am sick of being able to do nothing but pressing the "call" button like a robot. If the distance is not so remote, i can easily get a car or even plane to check it out what is going on there.
ok i have to admit it that it's probablly nothing really happened. in all it would be just another stupid accident like out of battery.

when could this end.
i need a voice other than "please leave your message."

景

What i frequently do recently is standing out of my room and staring at the view in front of me: a narrow path connecting blocks , some faint dim roadlights and high buildings far away. especially at night.
I feel lonely. in this city, i am so on my own.

i was trying to make a phone call. the whole day. more than 20 times.
the phone over the line was always off.
I am sick of the automatic answering machine.
I wish a lot of things to be different but i am diffident too. I so hope someone can be more certain than me hence I dont need to scare.
now i can even not control a phone call.

I am not avaricious. 你比谁都懂。

I want a Xmas in PSU

忙

最近忙的要破一层皮
23号再一层 29号还要一层
sometimes i need a hug.
but i know, a voice is enough.
Lucky I got that.

不好的往事一定要删除。

今天看到一句话

中国摇滚为什么起不来？原因之一，可能因为某些参与摇滚的人素质太低 其表现出来的是：只学到摇滚的愤世嫉俗与粗口色情 没有学到摇滚的包容异己，与多元角度
中国摇滚起不起来不晓得 不过最后一句话倒是真的
不仅仅是摇滚 而且是各个方面
觉得新加坡international , 充斥着英美文化的影响
其实 It's just a small island, in GRE it is insular.

今天去面 an American.
特别激动的聊着宾州的秋天。在新加坡我感觉不到时间再走。慢慢的人就老了。
不过这样也好。时间过得快。
回来的路上就碰到Matt, 他马上就回psu了。
现在下着雪吧。圣诞之后 我离开得整整一年。

今天还看见一口水战 无聊的可以去死。

It's getting annoying. You dont wanna to be related to another person over and over again.

周而复始

生活无趣。
忙碌的要疯了。
Yun叫我不要创新。我也没有觉得自己有什么了不起。
当你发现这个世界都很水
So stupid that you think the world is hopeless.

到底你们都懂什么。我懂什么。还是大家谁都不懂。

and the only cute guy in the office, an American, is leaving this friday.

yoga

http://www.wretch.cc/blog/j7882060 知道名人的blog都不会写什么，只有不痛不痒。
神秘嘉宾不是如此。
始终觉得这是一个风一样的人。很有意思的一个小孩。
把creep唱成那样的绝对是个好人。

The boat that rocked

2nd time watching it.
Still, when court finally jumped out of water. when everyone was shouting "Rock N Roll". I couldn't help but burst into tears.
Music never dies. So does the joy it brings.

Stupid

I have entered a stage that feeling everything is stupid.
working is stupid. any kind of work.
isn't bank work stupid? yes!why ppl are still rushing for it? money.
Being in the same position for more than 1 year is going to kill me.
nothing new. nothing to learn. nothing excited.

I told my mom. I am so going to get a PHD.
My mom said, then you will feel everyone is stupid. how are you gonna live in this world?

Then i start to realize this may be true.
I won't stand the fact that the science research is not applied in the real industry. They are still using the stupid simple old model and process.
They are still inefficiently collecting and checking data.
Which there is no way to change it. We have to use human, then cause human errors.

I like Market Probe. The people are nice. I have my own big desk and a little place in the office. I never have such things before. I actually have a real office , I can put my stuff there, coat, mug, notes. there is always Milo, Coke, Tea in the pantry. not as wonderful as Unilever's , but I just like this more, it's lovely and makes me feel like home. i dunno why. the feeling is good. And Working time is flexible enough.

But...maybe i have too much fantasy in market research. Swami is right, at the beginning , you should not expect those glamorious jobs.

What am I ending up to?
I want to see you dear. where are we ending up to.

tired of

I can easily get mad these days.
I just feel some complains are coming from nowhere.
No one is just simply better than the rest.
No one is just unlucky.

I am so tired of hearing the same stuff all over again.

Miss Home

Yesterday I went to meet an aunt from China.
She is a friend of my parents and brought some stuff for me from them.
I am so happy to feel the home.
Food, sweater and Jinan accent.

Just now Yun told he may come back to china next May.
It would be too good for me to believe.
I never thought I could be able to see him in person so easily.
I mean, It is supposed to be easy.
But in reality, I alwyas got the feel that it would be damn hard and wait for another one or two years to come true.

Hope is sometimes the best thing in the world ever.
Hence it could be the one which is so inducing.
The more you think about it, the more you scare it will slip sway.

ALL MY FAULT

I could not blame anyone else.
It's all my fault.
I am just sick of my lousy exam skills.
why am i keeping making silly mistakes while I can work out the most difficult questions. Then everything is wasted again. I can never get A.Even literally i should.

Today, most odd assessment center ever.
I sat in the small interview room alone writing 4 sets of tests and 3 essays and one translation in 5 hours. Cold and hungry. 930am-230pm.
no lunch. no water. no people to talk to.
Even the HR staff went for lunch and then came back, i was still writing my ass off.

IS it the way for them to test our endurance?

Oh Happy Thanksgiving.

Handsome Guys are all married.

I guess we are just too boring. one girl friend and I ranked the handsomeness of guys in one of our courses. 29 persons in all. we came out with top 3.
well, SG really does not have handsome guys.
I feel sorry but the top three are all Chinese.

Then I just found out that 2 of them are married already.
DULL！

the more weird thing is one of them is 27 already and our lecturer (which is No.3) is only 23.

Freedom.

In the preparation of American History exam, I perticularly paid attention to the revolution in 1980s.
A tumultous decade.
I decade of protests, dissents and divides.
People changed, America Changed, the world changed.

One important part is the value. The young adults, the college -aged people, just like us, were against almost all the estabished traditions and the values their parents were used to believe in.
The world sometimes say US is insane. its people are crazy.
BUt one thing never changes -- American people love freedom.
Freedom is the drive for everything.
when the society is sick, they take drugs, play the music very loud, dance around and build themselves a fantacy world where everything is beautiful.

But why I feel the people in that era were the purest ever. I just love the 1960s and the brilliant music and brilliant ideas. though there were wars, there were inequality.

Look now. People are getting weird.
I did not see freedom. I see they rush to the same destination, they speak the same language, they have the similar dream and want similar things.
I see people 's contempt on those real nice and beautiful behaviors. people's ignorance of the real problems out there in then world. I see people 's selfishness and narrowness. I see people too concentrate on who they are and their little square but not the whole picture.I see people's strong wish to successbut even donno what they really love to do for the rest of life. I see people gossip around. I see people being lazy and stupid.

I see myself one of them too.

I should , and have to , get out of here.

RIP Dr. Su

昨天下午的事情。震惊的消息。
虽然都曾调侃过SEP面试时他的刁难。但是我们都知道他是个好老师。
还有如果不是他 我这辈子物理这种学科也拿不了A。
每次看到他都是笑眯眯的 还有两个可爱的孩子

Thanks for giving me the once in life time SEP experience by sending me to the right place, pennstate. My life would changed a lot if i went to somewhere else.
We will miss you. and may peace with your family and friends .

人生苦短 如果2012真的是世界末日 如果身边的人或者自己都随时有可能离去
I dont want to think for long-term. just right at this minute.

I uninstalled PPS

I just did.
It wasted way too much time of mine.
But it feels great to watch Monica and Chandler finially got together:)
I promise I will never watch Friends until exams are over.

Life is tough.

PS : since when people started not to send confirmation email any more?
It sucks!

Fake Plastic Trees

Today accidentally heard 杨乃文's verision of Fake Plastic Trees.
All time classic.

"Oh my fake plastic love.
If I could just turn and run."

Today after an interview.during which i was asked to write an essay...
damn damn damn.
I was like a dumb sitting there and did not know waht to write.
on the bus back home, I almost passed by all the companies i have applied to.
even the restaurant taht I went for casting.
Singapore is just too small.

I so know what I want.

Cat Cafe

我被带去过一次。传说中的猫店。
http://www.catsocrates.com.sg/
在他们的网站上逛了一个多小时。
这样的店在国内可能遍地都是。可是新加坡也许只有一家。
所以更加觉得珍贵。

我想要，并且应该会定做一个表。
It gonna be fun.

今天做了很懊悔的一件事情。
wanna let you know that I love you no matter what . even you are a person who is very last minute, dont have any plans, don't study like I do, don't go to class every day like I do. that's you. because that's you.

Such a fool

Today I behaved like an idiot . twice.
I made a big screw up during my most important interview so far.
I hate myself for being stupid like that.

Sigh. I don't know when the next opportunity will come...i blow off this one..but will definitely not do that again.
Hopefully.

MJ MJ

I am so in love with this man.
The movie is on youtube so i rewatched it again.
He still sounds so beautiful and moves like 20 years old.
After so much tortures by the stupid people, he is still so forgiving and graceful.

There will be no other man like him.never ever.
no one can move like he does...no one can sing like he does...

the world should be ashamed by what they have done.

又见炊烟

absolutely的愉悦。最近。
一直以来认为自己算是活得比较自我的人。
难免有时落俗的去进行任何人的比较。但是幸好不是一直。
又到了这个时候。很多人挤在一起。去一个地方。头破血流。
我承认自己是个假装高尚的人。看到独木桥就绕路而行并且自我安慰。
As if I will be the one who is better off.

我仍然想要的是一幢小房子 炊烟升起

对这个城市有太多的厌倦和厌恶。

昨天在canteen见到一个人操着一口黑人口音。
好听的稀里哗啦。
我再也不能说singlish了.I am trying my very best.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Life should be easy. why people begin to bring pressure and panic and stress to their lives.

be yourself

Dont doubt who you are just because of others.
You have chosen a different way.
No one is always better than others.
Just be happy and be yourself alright

smile.

Smile

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky You'll get by...
If you smile
With your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
if you'll just...
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you'll just...

Smile.

We had him.

He was the biggest star in the world.
He was a brother, son, father , and a friend.
For us , he was an icon, inspiration, and forever hero.
I could not come out with some great speeches like them in the memorial.
But we can feel it for every single words they said.

We miss him. For his music, his movement, his pose, his talent, moreoever, for who he is, what he has been through, and the love he kept giving.
Before all his personality, he is a wonderful and nice person at first.

1977-We lost Elvis
1980-We lost John Lennon
2009-we loose Michael Jackson

I dont really understand the pain of the previous two.
But this one I do.

If he was still with us now, that would be the greatest concert ever, perfect last curtain call. In the movie he was so shinning, moving like a young man, singing with all of his passion, inspirating every single one of us.

AJ and I could not stand up and leave even the movie was over. We could only sit and look at the screen until all the lights were on and cry. and music stopped forever.
Could not believe this is the end. This is it.

Michael , Why didn't you stay.

FUSSY & IRRELEVANT

I DON'T NEED ANYONE TO BE "proud of" ME .
PLEASE.....!
Unless you are my family or my the other half.
Thank you.

I am a pedestrian

Today I went to restaurant called"One On the Bund".
I came out of MRT from Ocean Tower, it is right opposite the place I was going. BUT!!
I just could not cross the street! There is NOOO crossroads nearby, and there are banisters to prevent people from crossing.
Stupid Singapore transportation engineers!
I had to walk another 15 minutes just to get to the other side of the road.

That's one of the many things that I hate big cities.

loneliness issue

Taken from that lovely little store.
I wish the book in my hand is some lovely little prose works or lovely little collection of photographs instead of red bible. I need to get rid of it by the end of dec. I will.
I need to read some real books. badly.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

there are a few movies watched and to watch.
iS it true all those extraordinary people ought to be alone?
To bear loneliness is a must.
If that's the case, i have passed the first test.
but i never meant to be extraordinary.
so can this loneliness end soon...?

Coming soon.

This coming Saturday . with AJ.
I guess we will cry in the movie theatre that day...

I have a NUS Baggie

It was an accident.

Life is a gamble

tonight called mom.
she used some facts and stories trying to persuade me to think about every decision carefully and not to gamble.
well, i know there are scary consequences of making one single mistake.
but no one knows the outcome if he never tries.
if that is the risk i have to take, then there is no way to avoid it.

we have entered a stage of choices.
the industry we are going to work in, a small company or a huge MNO, the popular banking and finance industry or the specific area of our own interests.
to get an advanced degree or directly enter the work force.
to stay in this boring small island or get out of here asap.
to stick to the current guy or girl or be beaten by the harsh situation and give it up.
to bet whether this one is our soul make or just an illusion which we create on our own.
to accept the offer or wait for another one to come.

sometimes we need proof and response from the other. someone we just choose to believe and hope for the best.
you never know when is the right time and what is the right thing to do.

I guess life is like a big gambling game, with numerous hands by the table.
you try to guess the cards in their hands. sometimes you get them, sometimes you just are over confident. even sometimes you under estimate yourselves.

then that's life.
I am not going to quit just because I am afraid that the possible results will not be what i expected, or because I may have a better option.

Don't gamble!
Well, then what else can we do.

Get myself a small store

today after a nice happy interview with my future boss, I was taken to a lovely small store in bugis. Did not know Guo was so "literary"...
anyway it's lovely. typical store that we dream for years to have one.
music. books. photographs. drink. cake. and some tables to sit.
First time I have seen such stores in SG.
maybe because i dun really have friends to go find some here.

it reminds me our big plans when we were young... on well younger.
I almost forgot them .
but now i remember.

Desperado

Favorite song lately: desperado---the eagles.

I was organizing my laptop disk the other day. my folder of music was messy.
it took up too much space.
so i listened to every sub folder then delete those songs which no longer interested me.
in the end i deleted no more than 2 sub folders.
I 'd love to keep those old old folders like forever.
they will never get out of fashion.

I messed up my plan.
I could not reach my target yesterday because i came back too late and had a full day class, even Guo persuaded me skip one tutorial..which made me feel guilty till now.

I need to become a PHD to prove that I love school.

ICN

Went back hall for ICN
a lot of feelings were haunting around.
saw a few old people and bunch of unfamiliar face.

Some people say seniors should always come back like a lot of them did so, dance, band, everywhere.
It seems good for bonding, saying oh we have so many alumni.
but. is it really a good thing. what about those freshies who would like to take part in more? if seniors are always there , how many chances left for the new comers?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dont look back in anger. I heard you say.
alright.
In the end we just lost a very good friend. it seems not a big deal.

in university how many close friends you have made and how many of them walked away for this or that weird stupid or common reasons.

Life is sometimes a joke.

远走高飞

单曲循环。
It wipes away the crappy feeling of recieving rejection letters.
one after another.
and it is just the start.

I miss those snowy days.
Heard that state college just had the first snow on the homecoming weekend.
omg it's been a year.

Uncertain

So uncertain.
I am a person always with a plan.
but this time, my plan does not work at all.
any plan is useless.
and this is maybe the most important time ever so far in life.
plan does not help. asking does not help. think does not help.
only time will tell.
i am afraid of making mistakes.
But if that is the risk i have to take..then fine.

the one who is supposed to be making things not so uncertain happens to be a person never has a plan...= =“
lol
ok think about it again one year later.

so tired of thinking thinking thinking. planing planing planing.
in the end, all is trash.

miracle

It is a miracle that when i was in US , Yun did not skip one single lecture.
It is also a miracle i am broke because I eat a lot. of cuz plus an air ticket.

now Yun is skiping half of the lectures
and when I was in US i ate a lot better but still rich. hmm i mean i still got money to spare and travel.

I screwed up one exam. I don't wanna screw up the rest two.

OH TIME

Yun said it had been crazily busy days.
I said yeah.

I got so much to do.
but i dun feel like doing any.
I could not understand the paper i am reading. hence I could not do programming. hence i could not finish what i was supposed to do by friday. hence i should not worry about the exam on saturday since it has less priority.

Basically . I am stucked.

And I wanna talk and do a video chat.

I had a dream last night. in the dream I was poor, alone and miserable.
i have a feel that i could earn very little and end up all by myself.
tell me it is not true.

I CANT

I CANT FOCUS.
I DONT KNOW HOW I CAN MAKE MYSELF BETTER>
EVERYTHING IS SO NOT CERTAIN>
I AM FIGHTING OVER NOTHING.
IN THE END I GET NOTHING.
USELESS.USELESS.

Friends

I started to watch FRIENDS from season 1.
once my friends and I were talking about getting one big codo after we graduated and live together. that would be so much fun. just like in the TV series.
But I only realized that this could never come true. people are going to different parts of the world. Even I don't know where myself would be in a couple of years.
Queen brought up an idea that we should go travellng this december.
that made me start to accept that face that my two significant friends are leaving Singapore really soon. this may be the last chance that we could go out play for a few days together.
Seriously, without these friends, how can I survive in this island? Stucking in the island is bad, what makes it worse is your friends who were there with you, are gone.

whenever i feel lonely, upset or simply not happy, i have those friends. so i am never alone.
They are just too significant. We were together all the time.
just a call away. or just a few blocks.

Once I thought we will fight together in this small country. after work we can chat, laugh and hang out at night.
This will not happen. I get it. and Eventually I may probably leave too.

I just hope friendship is always there...and the beautiful memories are always there....

I am gonna miss you guys so much.
I never say that.
But I think you all know.I hope so.

Wish everyone happy.

got screwed

Today.
I made exp(t*i)=exp(t)*exp(i)

Screw me. I could never be more stupid.

rehab

I seriously think I should go to rehab.
not for drug. not for alcohol. of cuz.
I need to get rid of this freaking emotional thing which bothers me day and night.I need to stop thinking about my one minute and be independent and go out and get some life and do my work. tons of work out there.
but i feel like doing nothing before i get my 1 minute.
since the 1 minute never happened in most of the days. i dun feel like doing anything in those days. like now.
I left 500 words msg, and got fewer than 10 in return.
and totally irrelevant.
how good is that.

I cannot keep crying and asking for mental support. it makes me silly and useless.
no one is there offering such things. i get it . thank you.

i am so not superwomen.

I should just go back to Pennsylvania and be a farmer.

a minute

I spent half an hour talking to robot xiao i on msn. an imaginary guy. I gave him a new name . and talked to the idiot like an idiot myself.
All I want is one minute every day.. so show some attention.
I am tired of trying. maybe i shall fight no more forever too.
sick of keep being disappointed. I'd rather be hopeless. and accept the fact.

you never say. but i guess that I am just not worth that 1 minute.

Flight

I wanna book flight tickets to go back home.
I wanna book flight tickets to go back to USA
I want money to buy flight tickets .

This vid makes me cry

although i am not really a graduate from Penn State, this vid almost makes me cry , like those who commented on the video.
Some people will never understand why i miss my SEP so much, why I heart a town called state college so much. I know , you just cant understand.

It is a place where I really live a life for myself.
It is a period of time that no pains , no sorrows, no worries, no unnecessary social life, no all those fake and superficial conversation, no pressures, no feeling down, no disappointments, nothing bad.
everyday is fresh, colorful, free , easy , and happy. truly happy.
I only have experienced 22 years of my life. I cannt say it is the best place of all but so far it is best time of my life.
I don't expect those to understand. You don't know me so stop commenting on me.

Happy valley. a surreal corner of the earth.

我讨厌年少无知自以为是的样子

不管是自己 还是别人
不管是现在 还是曾经

Is there a way to delete all the past?

a damn tired day

it is.

Professional model

Sometimes i want to become one.
but i dun have a vogue face and perfect body.
I dun have enough experience and I behave stiff.

most importantly, I could just give up any job because of my school work.

well.
Oh did I mention that I am already too old to become one?

shit.

loser

Dark side of me.
I am nothing special.
loser.

Tues and Wed

I love the 2 days every week. no class. be home. for the whole day.
feel like the world is mine.
I can catch time. totally overcome any time difference.

77

77=1Y
I dont feel it. nothing is special.
but it is absolutely true.

Oh I am astounded.

and I do need to use some GRE words as much as possible.
For my own good.

Believe me i am not a career-oriented or academic-oriented person.
All I wanna do is to live a life I want.

It seems easy but it is freaking damn hard.

I love my room

I feel like staying in my room forever.
I love the bed, i never wanna get up in the morning.
I got myself a small electronic water kettle. 1st thing after i wake up, boil water and make a cup of hot jasimine tea.
turn on laptop. turn on the music.
do my stuff. drink tea. then do my stuff.
next step...do some cooking if possible, and go to swimming and gym regularly.

that is waht we call healthy lifestyle.
someone on the other side of the earth is living a overturn one: sleep in the daytime and playing poker at night.
i somehow feel happy that this makes me feel we are in the same time zone.
and we are getting a same T shirt which I always wanna do that.
oh and i finally see the face. how good is that.
then i recieve a call from my friend to ask me out for dinner. you know it is so difficult to move my ass away from monitor and out of my room, then when i finaly arrived at cateen, that friend finished eating already. lol.

ok let's start a day. yesterday is a programming one.
today is gonna be reading one.
gd luck. - people still call it luck.

Chariot

accidentally i watched this video.
it is incredibly amazing to use Chariot as our last song.
the Last bow....omg i miss the knees....

I mean those people. every single one of them.
I am a lousy and lazy drummer.
Oh and i suddenly remember that when iwas in US , jd asked me to organize KTV session during Chinese New Year which I totally forgot...>_<

wish everyone well. seriously.

ANNOYING NOISE

I got a single room in Old KR.
I love the place.
I love to stay alone in the room
except for the annoying noice from the construction work in YIH>
it is killing me right now.

But this only proves one thing: Singapore is still a developing country.
which is absolutely true.

get over it

i remember the day one week ago.
things were like shit and i could not stop saying FML.
FML FML.
i thought It could never be worse. but then i realized, who knows.
the worse thing is yet to come. you just need to get over it.

I should not complain since I am not doing my best.
I should not say that my entire 3 months went to nothing.
I got a bloody result.
I had so many doubts and concerns taht whether i should keep on fighting or just wake up to the reality.

Cried a few hours. got scolded for a few times.
by others and by myself.
nothing was going on right.

then after a stupid long phone call and i became that stupid idiot who was crying all the time and wish that I could express myself fully and better.
just a little bit better.

I just need to know waht I am doing is the right thing.
please keep reminding me that.
I am so tired of reminding myself all alone.

I am frivolous.
I know I am.
trumpery. anothing word i leant.
or whatever.
I know I am a loser with nothing in control.

so ironic that my honor thesis is "process control".
I need to record what i do in a CUSUM chart to monitor whether I have gone out of control, I guess.

Get over it . get over it.
I give myself another chance and one last try on 23 Dec.

Did I mention that I wanna thank you for going through it with me and not letting me down?

it seems meaningless i know.

ok i should stop messing around and get myself a cup of hot tea and back to work.

When the world is wrong. there is nothing to complain but try to make it right.

Dumbo

I have been back in SG for a few days.

i met a lot of people that i had not seen for ages.

ages. like the previous life.

I believe i have been reborn for quite a long time.

actually almost one year. Started from 26 Aug 2008.

I am a person who is very sensitive with dates.

I care about those special dates. though maybe the rest of the world dont give a shit about it

but i still care. too much expectation. too much hope.

it is so unfair.

dumbo. you call me dumbo all the time...until i believe i really am a dumbo..

i believe in everything i heard.

i lost in most of the chess games.

i should have not proposed that stupid Poker Probability as my FYP topic.

i should not be so concerned.

there are still years to go. why i care so much now.

maybe i am really a dumbo.

but i believe i am the one unique dumbo.

dun compare me with other women.

they are stupid , but i am just a cute dumbo...= =

or donkey whatever.

I have no time to doubt

i am not happy
i should be happy because of it.
it is not the same any more...?

i am still not happy.

shocking news

one after another.

i finally find a way to log on blogspot but have no mood to write.

what do you want me to do

pretend to be a stranger and never care?

emo

非常。
I don't know where this takes me to the end.
Being emotional is useless since it cant change the situation anyway.
but I want something that is 100% pure.
I know it is not.
but I imagine it to be.

I cant see the light. the light shows the exit.

It is so messed up.

This semester

Actually i was quite happy thoughout the semester.
Live a peaceful life. not busy. no need social.
free and easy. staying at home most of time.
have a lot of time on my own.
happy making phone calls and chatting online.
finally got time to study instead of spending most of it on activities.

What else.
I got allergy.
takes one week to recover.
right after that I fell down on my Bday. on the way to work.
then all the photographers need to wait for me to have rest every half an hour.
how patient they were. I was so thankful.
then for the whole month I almost could not move my body. need to stand up straight and sleep lying on the bed straight.
in the reading week, my allergy flushed around again for 2 days.
stupid exam timetable makes me have 3 exams in one day.
and accidentally that's the day NUS start to take temperature for everyone.
my final exams suck.
for the first sem i study so hard you know.

well. forget about it.

then. I applied a number of internships.
one in the end they chose one out of 3. not me.
another one in the end they choose 2 out of 4 . not me again.
applied korean summer program. rejected.
Penn state professor accepted me to go back for research. but his project got rejected.

Well, we blame the time. blame the market.

whatelse? I don't know.

oh I got GFF as my supervisor. this is only lucky thing for me this semester
he is cute <3

but i have a happy semester . Really.
thanks for being there with me. you make me wanna fight with the routine that I natually accepted.
We should both be a better person. we will.

well well. one last exam tmr and one last internship interview!

Whatever happens, i will have a good summer vacation.
wish you do too.

this crazy job market

some common situations:
a guy got good statistics academic record. but he just could not get a statistics internship.
and i know those companies who are really recruiting statisticians, the people they finally accepted are those with a lot working experience but a poor academic record.

I don't really know who they are looking for.
It's just unfair.

People with a CAP from 4.3-4.6 is so awkward now . cannot get a job as good as first class honor guys. being treated as a normal 4.0,4.1 ppl or even second lower ones
And people favor singaporeans and PR.

No life For us. SERIOUSLY.

Pray Hard

Please.....

Officially rejected

I just could not wait for another 24 hours of a call which dunno will come or not.
I called then and heard the news of rejection.
I knew the result already. I knew it.
I know many ppl got bad luck this year for job hunting.
So me is just one of the common unlucky ones.

I know what I want for my life.
I know I want to go home.
I know I dont want to do internship cuz got more important things to do.

but i just feel down because of the the fact that some ppl think I am not good enough.
Yes i am not perfect but i know i am good enough for that project.

Well, I am fine.
life goes on.

and I want to go back to state college. Badly. Eagerly.
I am not going to think too much and just live my current life.
I get it. I will.

怀才不遇！

怀才不遇！
怀才不遇！

阴郁

The day has come

After waiting for 2 weeks.
Finally the Singapore Pools Internship interview is here.
It's the most wanted internship for me.
Market researcher. Buying consumer. Gaming industry.
They will select 2 people out of 4 today.
1/2 - is the probablity high or not.

I dunno why I always do those relax chat with the interviewers like they are just my friends. They are so kind that they laughed because of my lame jokes...So i did not feel that awkward...

Just Hope for the best.

Reading week

I am actually loving my life more and more.
And I wish to see King Kong real soon.

Last day of class in year 3

My lessons of year 3 have officially ended.
2 types of professors I like the most.
the first type is like Mr. T. Young, smart, fun, treat teaching seriously, enhance our thinking ability, friendly and efficient.
the other is like Mr. G. experienced, but not old-fasioned. Cute and cool. no lame jokes. helpful, and still approachable.

I am serioulsy thinking to become a research assistant after graduation.
Oh my.

Mr. H today said in the last lecture today there are many unexpected things happening. He had bad grades when he was in university and thought professor was a stupid job while now he has really become a professor.
no one know what is around the next corner.
life is fun becauses of these unexpected stuff.
for me, a person who always wanna plan ahead. maybe some changes will do me good.

I should stop worrying about the things that are not here yet.

XOXO

OK I have to admit Gossip Girl is such a nonsense, stupid drama that I should never watch.
i guess it's because prison break has not back yet that's why i started to watch GG last night.
and non stop till the time i slept
gosh.
It must end now.

but one thing i have discovered is: I wont be afraid of anything as long as i have PPStream. Loneliness. sadness. depression. or whatever.
gosh i think I can be a person just stay in my room with my little silver forever.

Time to go out.hence i decided to "date" LC for a review session later.
And start reading week officially.

oh well

I finally met Mathew, the American guy from PSU.
We chatted for quite a while, and he speaks good Chinese.
He doubts that whether I really stayed in PSU cuz I did not know the clubs and party places he mentioned, I called "white out" wrongly, I even like the weather there while he hates it the most.
Oh Well.
I guess I dun really experienced the most special part of PSU but it is so special to me. with great people. having great days.

I even started to think about going for a summer program for this coming holiday. I always said I dont want to wander here and there. I sometimes feel I am homeless cuz I am not sure what indeed my home is.
While Sometimes I just wanna go to different places.

Oh Well.
Until someday I can finally settle down with the guy I love and really have a home.
But when.

Last night

I had a dream.

I was back to State College.

I dropped by the little house.

I met Philip. He was busy renovating the house.

I was looking for a toilet. typical dream heh...

then I wanna call LY to tell him I was back.

But I did not have a cell phone.

I did not know what to do.

then I woke up.

One of my seniors got married and took a series of bridal photos.

When its my turn, I wanna take mine at the back of that house.

In the basketball court of the primary school.

With the beautiful sunset glow.

Madagascar

Hmmm...If I looks like Marty...


Then you really look like Alex...SERIOUSLY!

It's small world

Well...I know very few ppl in france and america. seriously.
but i just heard that one of my friends followed his supervisor in France to USA to do some research work and now stay in the same room with my housemate when i was in Penn state.

it's just...unbelievable.

If the world is so small, can i see you somewhere soon?

LOVELVA

Cant believe it has been 10 years already!
such a great voice and dancer.

Treasure Love

After a long chat, someone said, please treasure love.
After so many things happen. I think the belief is still there.

I wish the best for this friend
He is such a nice person.
He is deserved to be happy...

Life is never easy.
Let's face it. with faith.

Plans

I have planned a lot.
So many plans.
exhausted.
I dunno which one will be the final one.
so far i can only put one foot in front of the other.
I cant control.

I wanna run toward it.
I sometimes just cant stand it.
I wanna forget about anything else and go for it.

but i cant. haiz...i am not brave enough. am I...?

But I wont give up.
I have a dream. May it come true.

Drunk

Ok I may believe that ppl tell the truth when they are drunk...wahaha.
yeah. Faith is back.

My leg still hurts after the fall. moreoever i got infection in my eyes.
So went to UHC again to see doctors and get some medicine.
at the clinic i met dingying~
I just simply...miss her!
hehe..chatted a bit and found we are really similar...she dunno how got those injuries and pains as well...dunno how then fall down as well...
Nah....Fate of drummers?

Finals are coming...time flies just so fast..
Time please go faster and faster. I cant wait to graduate.

A long day

Today contains too much information.
I have done so many things..
one after one. no break.
I found my FYP supervisor.
Even a topic to start with.
I went to postoffice.
I got an injection.
I finally recieved the reply from Penn State of not going back this summer.
Though I really wish to.
I know it's kind of hopeless but there is at least 0.01 probability.
well, now.
Zero.

To much information.
way too much.

Christian Lacroix

Saturday went to Nationa Museum with AJ for the Christian Lacroix - The Costumier Exhibition. It's super nice. and love meeting AJ after a long time.

I am not a little girl

I hate ppl saying I am a little girl.
If you ever try to undertand me.
then you will know i am not.

I need motivation
I need proof
I need communication
Not only little girls need these.
Every single human being needs them.

I feel so shitty.

Down

I am so down.
I hate comparing.
I never mean to.

But.
It's just not my problem.
I need to be treated normally.
I am not superwoman.

Marriage

Keeping telling myself to have faith does not work any more.

My middle school friend is getting married this May.

And expecting a baby.
OMG it's just a gal at my age.

Last summer in a fashion show.

A gal asked me whether she was fat.

I said no, but why you feel so.

Then she said cuz i just gave birth to a baby.

Wow amazing. how old are you btw.

I am 21. same age as you.

What a world it is.

A uncel once said, "look how young you are. You are only 20 something. I only could be able to go abroad at my 30!"

Well, sometimes i envy the uncle's generation

at least they can fight for their career after their marriage. without worrying about anything about family.

What about us.

Like us. girls. maybe have to quit in the middle of somewhere of our career cuz need to go home get married and have baby.

Or else, being single till very late. 30? 40?

I have no idea.

Life is long. But for us girls. Bloom is so short. 10 years only.

well family means a lot more than career to me.

but what if i can get neither of these.

have faith have faith. but in the end there is no reason for us to believe that the faith thing is actually there.

No girls still believe in fairy tale.

How sad is that.

Show some effort. please. from both side.

I want a direction, clear direction.

I even dont know where i am gonna be this summer.

which is just one month ahead.

I guess life is like this right?

You never know what you ll get.

Forest Gump.

Beyonce

最近喜欢Beyonce.
Such a powerful voice. Full of anger.

If I were a boy
If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone
I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home
It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong
But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy

LISTEN
Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can't complete
Listen to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning to find release
Oh, the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own all 'cause you won't
Listen Listen, I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried to say what's on mind
You should have known
Oh, now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened, there is someone here inside
Someone I thought had died so long ago
Oh, I'm screaming out and my dreams'll be heard
They will not be pushed aside on words
Into your own all 'cause you won't
Listen
I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't
Listen

Regardless of Race , Nationality...etc , girls will be girls, boys will be boys.
All we need is communication.
But why you just won't listen.
why you just wont even try to understand.

T_T

Reborn

经过了
一次摔跤
一场发疯
一下午的图书馆
一顿与50多岁的uncle的晚餐

我觉得
这将是一个很不同的一年

22nd

well what can I say.
What A DAY.
No celebration cuz got work to do.
And I fell down on the stairs in the rain!

the old sentence again--shit happens. all the time.

I dunno what sign it is...maybe a tough year ahead...

And for something i decided to not expect much but in the end it disappointed me still, i guess i still had hope on it.

But I got A lot of wishes. From A lot of people.
You people make my day. Thanks to let me know that I am not always forgotten.

I feel something is lost

while it's only 2 days.

this sunday got a photoshoot.
maybe a good way to say goodbye to my 21st year in life.

不干正事

我觉得 我现在有这种倾向
生病时觉得 只有健康最重要
于是奋斗的信念小了下去
坚决改正....

未来又渺茫起来了
虽然不想做intern但是真的连个interview也没有的时候也有些若有所失
I am just not good enough.
I have a bad GPA.
I cant tell how much i regret now.

期中成绩也没有很理想
每天嗜睡也没有精神

只想快点好起来 重新开始。

redness

these days the redness went up and down.
all over again.
shit.
i guess shit happens.
all the time.
everything comes for a reason.
when the reason is unclear, it sucks.

I could not keep my promise since this shit happened...
I am so sorry for everything...

I just hope it can end soon...asap.

sometimes i start to like the time diffenece thing.even at midnight ,you still can make phone calls since people are not sleeping at the other side of the earth.
how good is that.

Thanks for all the friends that care about me. I feel so grateful to have you guys around. =)

Emergency

再一次人品不佳 大半夜去NUH挂急诊了
倒是这次没什么 那护士一看到我的脸直接就让进去了 队都不用拍
直接上病床打针 然后我就昏睡过去了

虽然很不爽 现在还是很多红斑。
不过 因为不孤单所以仍然感觉很幸福。

感动

越来越不喜欢在校内上写日志了
现在看校内的唯一目的就是关注晓鸥的事情 分享关于晓鸥的日志 希望更多的人可以看到 自己的感受总觉得写了也是浪费资源
可是 今天真的很感动 也很难过
今天考了4个小时的试 5门期中考试终于都完了 不是特别理想 不过总算是刺激了我一下final一雪前耻
考完之后奔去看募捐的Booth.
自己也干不了别的 献血不够资格 也没有强大人脉可以招钱 只有站站booth了

一直以来都是很乐观的看这件事情 觉得钱够了就没问题了 晓鸥这么坚强 李冰冰都治好了 我们这次也没有问题的
可是 才3天 大家甚至已经募捐到了将近李冰冰的全部治疗费用
可是 晓鸥的情况似乎比想象的要糟很多
晓鸥似乎精神也开始不好了 化疗确实很折磨人

想想妈妈以前化疗的时候 为了不让我担心 2个月都看到住院的她 一定也是克服了很大的苦难和折磨吧...想想这些就觉得妈妈很伟大呢 妈妈要好好锻炼 要长命百岁！

站booth的时候 听了解情况的那几个senior讲晓鸥的情况
大家有时候在笑 其实我真的不怎么笑得出来
不过还是要乐观吧 恩恩

很多好心人捐款 我在的时间已经是星期五下午4-6点了 人流最少的时候 而且很多想捐的同学都已经捐过了 可是一个多小时之内我也觉得至少1000多块被塞进了募捐箱 旁边的POSB ATM里的现金都被捐钱的人取光了 还有人跑去别的地方的提款机取钱了再回来捐 就算是不知道这件事的路人 只要拦下来跟他们解释这个事情 绝大多数的人都会慷慨解囊
觉得能够拿着传单说几句话就可以多弄点钱的话 也是一件值得欣慰的可以为她做点什么的事情了

每次看陪护日记都感动死了...友谊还是很伟大的...希望大家可以陪着晓鸥一起度过难关...希望老天可以被这一帮朋友所感动....
他们描述的晓鸥的现状也让人看起来很揪心....唉...

好久不看书不写字了都不知道要怎么表达了
Bless ....

请一定一定一定一定为了爱你的人注意身体...

Believe

Just Have a little bit more faith ...please...
I believe we can make it in the end...
Before that, take care and fight for it.

LYILY.

明天要考试
不能有包袱
恩
其实考试从来不紧张
但是这个学期是怎么了
可能终于开始好好学习了吧

小胖说 加油 好吗？

风

话说上次见到Colin的时候 他说感觉我整个人从美国回来之后变得没那么有压力 看起来像一阵风
多诡异的形容词
其实 我是越来越不懂得享受生活了
或者现在顾不上了

最近总是不能特别高兴起来
什么都不想买 大餐有人请客都不想吃 总是觉得除了日常三餐之外的奢侈都免了吧 有钱不如捐给晓鸥姐
booth helper招人 去报了名 过了一会再进去看看就几乎都填满了
一阵感动 总觉得其实中国人凝聚力特别的强
尤其是大学生 有一种无法想象的力量
这几年出的这么多事 每次都是这些热血沸腾的大学生最让我感动

我还是想去学会生活
But above all, I must find my life first.

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MSN SPACE不知道为什么上不了
这里也没什么人看
看的人应该也都知道了
不过 如果你只是路过 请关注http://blog.sina.com.cn/blessxiaoou
每次读这个博客都有说不出来的感觉
人世无常 每一个灿烂的笑容之后 会发生什么 谁都不知道
曾经这么多的梦想 这么无限可能的未来
顷刻之间都可以改变

对于最近 自杀 猝死 刺伤 诸多事情都没有这一件让我如此的难过
生命如此的可贵 当有些人就这么轻易的放弃的时候
也有的人 像晓鸥一样这么渴望活下去
世界就是这么的不公平

希望我们可以帮上什么。

Life is short

最近接二连三的出事
不知道哪一天 身边的人也许就会不见
或者自己不见
或者 都变了
去了美国之后就没有看过NANA了
今天突然想起来 去图书馆搜索连载
落下很多集没有看
慢慢读起来

断断续续 看了6年多的NANA. 还是没有完结.
所有的人物我都喜欢 我就是不喜欢雷拉
连莲的死我也要怪她

NANA不想被人可怜 可是我觉得她好可怜 真的太可怜了

看着他们 莲的葬礼 突然收到邮件 是学校方面对那个昨天死去的交换上的悼念

最看不得就是年轻的生命陨落
可是总是一而再再而三的听到这样那样的消息。
莲撞车。美国人喝酒吃药。
就因为莲和NANA两个人的倔强 毕生的遗憾
那份没有送出去的生日礼物。

生命很短暂 一定要抓紧时间向爱的人奔去。你说呢 Wall-E?

Tonight. At the monent. I miss them as hell/

休息休息 准备准备 小黑小银 大富翁 猴子 暗棋五子 刷墙 搬家 火锅 意大利面 BBQ 圣诞灯 格斗 锻炼闷痒 飙高音 迈克杰克逊 粉红泡泡 花生啤酒二十四

不纠结了

终于解决纠结已久的事情
心中大石落地
老妈果然不是盖的 太强大了
不愧是我老妈～娃哈哈

Just

You do it to yourself,
and that's what really hurts.

change

I dont really know the ppl now.
I miss the old ppl.
I miss junde I miss dingying I miss siewjin I miss denyse I miss Marcus.
Tonight cleaned Band Room with Eng Seng, put up all the posters again. They dropped down dunno when but ppl just left them in the corner.
I still remember in my year 1, that day we rearranged the room and did clean up and put up all the poster together. we even hung the guitar up on the wall too.
We went out to KTV and back in the mid-night.
We suppered in bandroom and got "drunk".
The JD bottle is still in the bandroom , so memorable.
We did panda makeup for our rockfest.
We practiced so often that every song was great.
We got so high on the stage, we jumped together (well, though i cant jump cuz i was on drum. lol)
We made the small little video for jd. I even cried for his leaving. haha..I was so young then...
We gathered many old band ppl together and supper, some of them got married already. Once in KE band, always in KE band
It was so fun.

Maybe it's not their problem.
Maybe I was not around for so long.
Maybe my passion is not there already.

I think all those golden days will just stay in my heart. but they will never come back.
原来 the song, "summer of 69' " is really true.

I cannot keep comparing.
I have much more things to do.
Just hope the last rockfest will go smooth. and hope all the juniors have fun in band now and in the future. and find the bonding back.

感慨万千

看了一篇文章
特别沉重
如果发生在我身上我根本不知道怎么面对
憎恶左右摇摆
憎恶多情懦弱

我想起了很多。
All those unhappy memories.
Doubts. Questions. Explanations. Facts.
Shit.

走钢索的人

走钢索的人
不害怕牺牲
只求一点安稳

The future is still unclear.

Is it too much I am asking for.

心神不宁

焦躁。
等待。
去处。

I wont do it to myself again

Baxk to SG

It's an unfamiliar city.
hot and wet.
I miss state collge, it is warm.
I am not used to everything...I got on the car at the wrong side, I cant get sleep because of hot weather, i hate those insects, i hate singlish, i sometimes speak it though, I dont like talking to many ppl at the same time and i think hall is noisy.

I am used to the quiet life.

Handphone is down.
I sometimes I feel I have left happy valley for a long time, but it's just 2 weeks...

Things are so different. People are different. I am different.

Can I go back.