My young dreams

I have been watching this show called "the face" in which young models wannabe got to compete with each other and were under mentorship of supermodels like one of my favorite Coco Rocha. They are young and fearless. The oldest contestants in there is 26 and everyone concerns that is too old. Which shocked me - I just realized I am about to turn 26. oh my G.

I had this young silly dream to be a runway model. It's not something that I can actually fight for given my education background. We were always taught to learn a skill for a lifetime in order to get a stable and good income. Being a model when I was young instead of studying in school seemed absurd. I remember when my agent kind of brought up the idea of me pausing school for a year and being sent to Shanghai for a year just to do countless casting and modelling full time, I felt it was too funny. I guess I didn't think about it too much and I just did some part-time photoshoot and runway when I had time. Being a model is not about being pretty. That's a good thing for someone like me who is not pretty at all.  I did feel I should have invested more on myself to be a better model, but when I have the money now, it is too late.

I actually think I regretted it.

Well you know, if I did take a gap year, I may end up not going to PSU for exchange, not meeting this guy, not moving all the way from Asia to US, and not being where I am now. So life is full of surprises. No one knows if we are making the right decision.

This week's episode of "The Face" is bridal show. I used to dislike bridal show just because to me it was not fashion. or I just dont like the feeling that they took away my bridal dream.  After you have wore more than 20 wedding gowns, you would feel your own wedding ceremony is going to be pointless. But it did bring back a lot of good memories. I remember the feeling that I was in the first wedding gown , also remember being tripped on stage and trying to drag the frigging dress out of stage. Those were never coming back. so it my youth.

I really dont know what I am trying to say. I guess I just want to admit there were a lot of things I wanted to do and I knew I had plenty of time and opportunities , but now, there are certain things that I just cant control. Live your life, don't waste it.

Write

I guess I have lost my ability to write.
It's been a while since the last time I wrote a long article. a few months I think. I found it hard to believe I once wrote a mid-size novel. although it was full of crap and naive emotions and story line.

I remember I used to write a lot in high school. I was studying in a boarding school where not many things were there for entertaining. Besides studying, I spent most of the time reading, listening to music and writing. I have to say , as an emotional teenager, the more I wrote, the more I got emotional.
Then I grew up to be a young adult. I learnt life is too short to be emotional about.

I am always jealous of those who can keep writing and be good at it. I guess I only write when I am lonely. Its more about pretending to be friend with myself.

Too many stories were forgotten. Because I didn't write them down.
Too many people were forgotten. Because I didn't write them down.

I am going to be all alone again in a strange place, with no friends. everything is a fresh start. Starting all over again. It's not exciting at all. but it will give me a lot of time writing absolutely nothing at all.

Why

Why am I always the one to compromise? Why am I not the one get to decide what to do? Why am I the one who can't control my temper when I am angry while you get to do whatever you want when you are not in the mood? Maybe it's a good thing that I will be gone soon.