English name

I am trying to get myself a new English name.
I found it is difficult for some ppl to rememebr my chinese name.
and ppl always pronouce Aileen wrongly.
well, not they are wrong, just they dun pronouce the way I do.

and i have done some search, i wanted to have a name which starts with M to match with my chinese name Mian.
it turns out that all the name I like have the meaning of obstinacy or rebelliousness.

Ok then.

Imagine

People can be pissed off by being asked the same question over and over again.
such as: how is your job hunting.

It is a hell like experience.
u cant feel how i felt if you have not sent out over 200 applications.
have you been in an interview with 5 hours written test including 4 essays.
have you been invited to an event where you help out their hiring managers with their interviewing skills by rotating your self to attend 3 interviews continuously and each lasted over 40 minutes.
have you attend 2 or more interviews in one single day and u feel you high heels will broke in any minute in future.

being questioned. being judged. and being mistreated.

Now i would love to imagine the wonderful life after all these.
I no longer need to search job portal and sending resumes and doing online application for 5 hours every day.
I no longer need to rush myself to and running in the middle of the street.
I no longer need to wear the stupid shirt everyday and worry whether it is not fit.
I no longer need to wear the high heels and "enjoy" the watch from others like being watched as a some kind of weird tall animal.

I can find a place to sleep for the next half year.
I can book a flight ticket heading home and for that short sweet trip.
I can enjoy my little happy life with going for concerts and lying in bed with a great book.

Please . let the day come sooner.

为西南祈福甘露。

Reading

it's been a while that I have not had such a night like this.
I went to bed very early, read a book in bed, then fell asleep.
THis is a ordinary night when I was younger, a few years ago.
Then i spent too much time reading. in classroom, in dorm.
Then i held a member card in an amazing library. compared to that one, the current library is just not for me.

The joy of reading is coming back.

Be strong

Heard some bad news, a very nice girl, is losing her father soon. She is not aware of what is going on. I have no idea why her family want to keep it secret till now but it's absolutely unfair for her.
I couldnt say a word. I have to respect her family's decision.

She is wonderful, i have seen her for a few times, not recently, but she is smart, fun and mature. She can take it, I dunno why her family does not have the faith.

and there is a family going to be broken. there will be so many tears, and a long period of hard time.
Fate is unpredictable. no one for sure will have a tomorrow.
let's live it with no regrets. for the ppl around, for ourselves.

Today I slept with my earphones on, and woke up with the grunting sound from the other side.
isnt it lovely.

2

it's my second day of being like this.
whenever I am doubted , I will try to push myself closer to what I have been beliving in. I need to give myself more sense and hope someone will also support my argument along the way.
But when I realize i am the only person who want to make sense, things become nonsense. I dont want to fight alone. I am too young, yes you may say. I am not mature enough, then shouldn't some mature enough person should understand growing up does not take only one day or one year.
remember that joke about flying fish with 6 eyes. you laugh out loud and yet courage is that important.

I wanna prove something. I did such bullshit for so many times that I could not count them all. now I am doing it ever again and the same struggle is here like forever. I don't like such things . I wanna be honest, I wanna do whatever I want and never judge or justify whether it it worthy.

2nd day. I am already like a mad woman.

I was doing my last project in uni for the past few days and i met really great and fun group mates. I kind of get the feel that I dont want university to end, i love doing projects with bunch of responsible, smart, fun-loving and happy people. I have so much fun discussing with them and then recieving rewarding outcome. THe other day after project meeting I had dinner with Brian and JJ. they started to talk about philosophy and then go all the way to relationship. Brain said, people are selfish unless they have the connection with each other, all other things like companionship, can never lead you to true happiness.
well, I am more and more blur with the connection part. if it is true, isn't it that the person in a relationship should be happy for what the other half is happy about, and should be aware of whatever the other half is interested in, involved in and dedicated in?
The world will be so much better with it. OMG.

There is true love, there is true love, there is indeed true love.
prove to me. prove to me . and prove to me .

Someone said it is the timing that matters the most, but eventually it's the person. I dont wanna sound pessimistic but , how will we ever know.
if you dun choose option 1, you will never know option 2 is the better, and whether there is other option which could be the best.

I was wearing the Pokerstar t-shirt which took forever to arrive finally. if life is like a gamble. doesn't it require skills as well like Texas holdem? you need to see everyone's face and betting and determine the amount u r going to bet. or will u bet in the first place.
There is never an easy way out. never never.
I keep telling myself never. I could not test myself and others any more.
but if not, how would i know.

"u have A's, dont u".
You look into my eyes saying, 你不懂，it is the risk you have to take.

Don't u dare to bluff me.

Connection

when i almost lost the connection, there is always sth to remind me.
a postcard, a call, a lovely msg.

my dear friends. How can i live without u guys.