这一年

最近很烦心。虽然还不到时候烦。但是模糊的未来叫我不知所措。
2009年。我不知道如何评价的一年。
8个月杀G之旅告诉我了什么叫做不放弃什么叫做坚持什么叫做全力以赴。
之后了。为了什么。
我不是一个有远大目标的人。我知道。但我也不是一个毫无目标的人。
这是好事也是坏事。
2009年1月。从美国回来。前几个月哭哭啼啼。中间几个月奋奋斗斗。后面几个月恍恍惚惚。
面前有了选择。而且是一选就无法回头。
人生原来这么像赌注。结果可以很好也可以一败涂地。
Yun输光那天，我才发觉原来他不是一直都在赢得。
我呢 输不输得起。

昨天施叔叔说了一句话：年轻就是资本。你们都是亿万富翁，可惜很多人都不知道。
人生的轨道变来变去。人总是会慢慢开始变得不安全。
我总是给自己说一辈子还长着呢，万一错了也没关系。
可是真到了做觉得时候，前瞻后顾。

总是不能两全。为什么呢。

转眼要23了。现在进去forever 21的店都在想自己还有没有资格。
2010年过去的那天，应该已经做好了决定。应该已经抛弃了很多。只能寄希望与自己也会得到那些朝思暮想的东西。

我要幸福。可是幸福好难。

MerryXmas

This is Christmas Eve.
I am alone at my room. it is always the best way to celebrate.
the 2 Christmas before univerity were nothing but crazy night at orchard.
we got dirty and wet and tired. this is no longer our thing.
then the first 2 Christmas were almost the same. had dinner with AJ and then we went back home early before 8pm and enjoyed out silent night.
last year was the best ever.
this year, i got the best gift yesterday from myself and now i am loving the night. quiet, no people around, and the distance to Rhodes Island is even not that far.

can i just make a wish.

Say goodbye to my dear friend who has been with me for 8 months

Finally.
it would be totally an unique experience with you.
you dont know how much i am thankful now.
thank you for being fair to me.
suddenly the bad results came out yesterday means nothing.
because efforts finally are paid off now.
I wanna thank many people.
And I wanna thank myself for hanging there, for keep doing the tedious and boring work with no sense of speculation.

It's a long way.
Though it is true for some people who don't care that it is not a big deal at all.
yeah it is just a test which can determine nothing.
but it tells me, life is worth fighting for.
and though it let you down once, as long as you do not give up.
the day you hope for will finally come.

I am way too happy. Need to get some sleep.

1

Panic Panic Panic Panic Panic!!
Panic Panic Panic Panic Panic!!
Please Please Bless Me....
Please please please please

2

less than 2 days left.

over control of nothing.

afterall i am still nobody.
but one thing is right: it's my fight.
no one else cares like myself do.

dream is over.
or there is not dream ever.

why

sometimes when a familiar face tends to fade.you feel the hopelessness and powerlessness. let bygones be bygones.

and last night i was not allowed to have a temper.
i am so not a temper person.
i am so not a choleric person.

I do try to make myself happy. really.
happy like a stupid baby who never grows up.

三角怪诞爱

这首 不知为何似乎火了
一天之内我已经看过很多indie-pop的人翻唱了
记得当时拿到那张断线的耳朵 就是最喜欢这首歌
果然是有instinct
想想 5年多了
和良还录过好几次 她好像之后还改编了又录了一次
呵呵 想起挤在宿舍一个小间里面用复读机录歌的艰苦日子

Everytime I think of you,
I get a shot right through into the bottom of blue.

确实是是首好歌。
可是每人都喜欢每人都唱 Bizarre Love trangle也不再bizarre了。

R & R

*Rose and Rachel still can be good friends. how wonderful is that.
--------------
*Sometimes I really hate some of my good friends behaving inconsiderate and ponderous swelled-headed. If you cant do things for my good, at lease do not impede me from doing so.
--------------
* I love when someone said "what she really wants is to be with us." because it's damn true.
--------------
* I start to believe in so-called"women's instinct" and "tacit understanding".
--------------
* 3 days left. Please pray for me. I am trying hard. Please don't let me down.

December means no holiday for me. And I am ok with that.

Killed too many

I have killed to many lives these days.
untold ants. one bee. and several dunnno what bugs/insects on my floor this morning.
RVR really makes me feel what old KR really means.
People told me before but i did not feel it then.
and the toilets are dirty even during holidays.
I still wonder who the hell are the ones peeing on the toilet bowl all the time?
Can people stop behvaving like disgusting idiots.please.

Persistent

when my prof gan first accepted me to be his honor student, he said "i'd love to take in the ones who are persistent".
I guess i am that kind of person.
normally i should be in bed 2 hours ago.
but i am now still sitting here trying to call that number. over and over again.
about every half an hour, my skype deduced 0.017 euro because of a not get-throughed call.
i should probably give up and go get some sleep.
I am not sleep at all. that's the problem.
the whole not getting through the line thing keeps bugging me. I hate to bring sth in mind to my dream. i don't like to leave the knotty feeling to the next day.
I just can't get over it.
I am just mad i guess. I am sick of being able to do nothing but pressing the "call" button like a robot. If the distance is not so remote, i can easily get a car or even plane to check it out what is going on there.
ok i have to admit it that it's probablly nothing really happened. in all it would be just another stupid accident like out of battery.

when could this end.
i need a voice other than "please leave your message."

景

What i frequently do recently is standing out of my room and staring at the view in front of me: a narrow path connecting blocks , some faint dim roadlights and high buildings far away. especially at night.
I feel lonely. in this city, i am so on my own.

i was trying to make a phone call. the whole day. more than 20 times.
the phone over the line was always off.
I am sick of the automatic answering machine.
I wish a lot of things to be different but i am diffident too. I so hope someone can be more certain than me hence I dont need to scare.
now i can even not control a phone call.

I am not avaricious. 你比谁都懂。

I want a Xmas in PSU

忙

最近忙的要破一层皮
23号再一层 29号还要一层
sometimes i need a hug.
but i know, a voice is enough.
Lucky I got that.

不好的往事一定要删除。

今天看到一句话

中国摇滚为什么起不来？原因之一，可能因为某些参与摇滚的人素质太低 其表现出来的是：只学到摇滚的愤世嫉俗与粗口色情 没有学到摇滚的包容异己，与多元角度
中国摇滚起不起来不晓得 不过最后一句话倒是真的
不仅仅是摇滚 而且是各个方面
觉得新加坡international , 充斥着英美文化的影响
其实 It's just a small island, in GRE it is insular.

今天去面 an American.
特别激动的聊着宾州的秋天。在新加坡我感觉不到时间再走。慢慢的人就老了。
不过这样也好。时间过得快。
回来的路上就碰到Matt, 他马上就回psu了。
现在下着雪吧。圣诞之后 我离开得整整一年。

今天还看见一口水战 无聊的可以去死。

It's getting annoying. You dont wanna to be related to another person over and over again.

周而复始

生活无趣。
忙碌的要疯了。
Yun叫我不要创新。我也没有觉得自己有什么了不起。
当你发现这个世界都很水
So stupid that you think the world is hopeless.

到底你们都懂什么。我懂什么。还是大家谁都不懂。

and the only cute guy in the office, an American, is leaving this friday.

yoga

http://www.wretch.cc/blog/j7882060 知道名人的blog都不会写什么，只有不痛不痒。
神秘嘉宾不是如此。
始终觉得这是一个风一样的人。很有意思的一个小孩。
把creep唱成那样的绝对是个好人。

The boat that rocked

2nd time watching it.
Still, when court finally jumped out of water. when everyone was shouting "Rock N Roll". I couldn't help but burst into tears.
Music never dies. So does the joy it brings.

Stupid

I have entered a stage that feeling everything is stupid.
working is stupid. any kind of work.
isn't bank work stupid? yes!why ppl are still rushing for it? money.
Being in the same position for more than 1 year is going to kill me.
nothing new. nothing to learn. nothing excited.

I told my mom. I am so going to get a PHD.
My mom said, then you will feel everyone is stupid. how are you gonna live in this world?

Then i start to realize this may be true.
I won't stand the fact that the science research is not applied in the real industry. They are still using the stupid simple old model and process.
They are still inefficiently collecting and checking data.
Which there is no way to change it. We have to use human, then cause human errors.

I like Market Probe. The people are nice. I have my own big desk and a little place in the office. I never have such things before. I actually have a real office , I can put my stuff there, coat, mug, notes. there is always Milo, Coke, Tea in the pantry. not as wonderful as Unilever's , but I just like this more, it's lovely and makes me feel like home. i dunno why. the feeling is good. And Working time is flexible enough.

But...maybe i have too much fantasy in market research. Swami is right, at the beginning , you should not expect those glamorious jobs.

What am I ending up to?
I want to see you dear. where are we ending up to.