Alone in the house

All my roommates were off to China today. i am alone in the house.
I feel empty, and a little bit scared.
I guess i am not a loner, never. I sometimes do enoy being alone, having little time with myself and hate the sounds and behaviors of others. But yet, I still wish there are people around whenever I wish I was not alone.
I once stayed in a single room by myself. I sometimes was paranoid that there was someone hiding in the closet and that scared the hell out of me.
The secret of overcominng it is to sleep only when you are really tired, and you will fall asleep before you start to think of those nonsense.
Thats exactly what I am gonna do now.

Fear

I listened to Rock music, I watched American drama, I took a shower, I made myself a cup of fruit tea.
The fear is still there. it refuses to go away.

I am not afraid of losing you, I am afraid of you.
Or i am just afraid that in the end you would break my heart.

I don't know your life and you don't know mine.

what is worse, is the deadly silence. I cant see you, I cant feel you, and now I even cant hear you.
Oh God I need to talk. Hanging up that phone made me exhausted.

I just hope tomorrow is better than today.

But when will this end.

wants

When I was in primary school, I was described as "shy".
When I was in junior middle school, I was described as "nice", "smart" and "easy going"
When I was in senior middle school, I was described as "quiet" and "self imposed" (totally weird)
When I was in university, I was described as "passionate" (by Chinese friends) and "helpful and always smiling" (by dear hall mates)

always wondering what kind of person I am and what i want.

Recenly I watched a few movies on the growing-up stuff. It feels stupid that I realized I still donno what I want for my life, where my passion is. and Now i am 24, graduated from college and a working adult.
it seems my life is just pathetic as those in the movies.
I am just pathetic as those normal people without dreams.

They always say dreams are the most important things in life, you have to go for it, and then your life is complete.

Qi said I like to keep myself busy. Yes I want to make my life fulfilling.
Yes I do not have an actual goal, but I just wish I can get something every day, no matter its a good time with friends, a movie that makes me cry, some random thoughts come to my mind when i am on train, one hour relax time doing yoga or dancing, a delicious dish I cook for myself or a sweet phonecall to the people I love.

All those little tiny things build up my life. I guess my dream is just to keep living it. as much as I can. laugh more, cry less. enjoy more, stress less. have faith more, doubt less.

From some movie

Maybe the truth is there's a little bitof loser in all of us, you know?
Being happy isn't having everythingin your life be perfect.
Maybe it's about stringing togetherall the little things...
... like wearing these pants...
... or getting to a new level of "Dragon's Lair"...
... and making those countfor more than the bad stuff.
Maybe we just get through it...
... and that's all we can ask for.

get over it

I finally realize that if you wanna get over something, trying to avoid it is not gonna help.
You cant run from it forever it. eventually you will meet again.
Treat it with a peaceful heart.
Maybe one day, you will find it has become an important part of your life, but nothing else.

No news from US yet. I am panic.

New Blog

I started a new Chinese blog @ sina. I can't stand reading my own stuff.
These years in SG made my Chinese bad like hell....damn it
and my English is still bad as before.

* pissed *

复活

白天的时候人果然比较清楚
复活～
噩梦发疯胡思乱想神马都可以走了 别来烦姐

too little sleep

Today is holiday for me. No need to go work.
But my head is so heavy - lack of sleep.
I had a terrible terrible dream last night. I woke up and cried my heart out.
I forgot how long it lasted till i fell asleep again.
I decided to stay awake instead. I cant afford to go back to that dream again.

I blame myself. I am halfly responsible for that dream.
The evil side of me wish it come true. though it is damn wrong.

I should have better control of my head.

one and the only

You calm me down.
with one sentence or two.
I feel safe around you. no one else ever gave me that.
Lucky me.

A feeling that cannot be mentioned

I tend to have this kind of feeling whenever i come back from a trip.
especially a lovely fun happy and unforgettable trip.

I feel like going out again. so much.
Or else, my heart is so empty. I wanna be with those people all the time.
every day. forever.

the fact that it is not going to happen is sad.
I am an emotional person from the very beginning. This 2 years I have become a happy person. I think less and I stay thankful.

but today. I feel so empty.
Can someone promise me that no matter what, we will still be together. we will be friends for the rest of our lives.

make a wish

we lit this up at Patong beach @ new year countdown party and made a wish.

How I wish it comes true.

all those uncertainties are killing me. I feel emo and unsafe.

I have no one to talk to. I even dun wanna talk to myself.

Emo - first working day of the new year

Back from Phuket re-visit last night.
Its a nice trip. a lot of laughters and fun.
We found the same stores that we went last time, the old good memory just kept flashing in my head.
But still, Phuket is different from 3 years ago. We are different.

I was getting emo on the taxi to airport yesterday. I always feel Phuket is like an escape, escape from reality, choices, and responsibility. Pathetically I am still afraid of those even that i am now a 24 year old lady.

I remember last time we walked on the street in phuket, some Thai ppl asked us whether we were spending annual leave from same company. We were joking around that how old we looked, but now... time just flied. like hell.

Where we will be 3 years later.
I feel like crying. I have absolutely no idea why.

2011

It is really time to let it go.
end this from where it started.

Lets see how 2011 will be like.