I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone,
But I have a light
The day is done,
I'm having fun
I think I'm dumb
Or maybe just happy
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Saturday, November 30, 2013
New Year Resolution
It is not new year yet, but I have decided on my new year resolution: to try making something new every week, it could be either cooking or baking.
I don't know how long this passion in kitchen of mine gonna last, better seize it before it is gone. :)
I don't know how long this passion in kitchen of mine gonna last, better seize it before it is gone. :)
Friday, June 7, 2013
alone
I am on my own again.
I woke up this morning, looking at the empty apartment and feeling something was lost.
My parents have been with me for the past more than 3 weeks. When they were around, I didn't feel much. As the leaving date was approaching, it was harder and harder to say goodbye. Those are the only ones who truly care about you, love you without any conditions. They would do anything for you. Your husband, boyfriend, and partner can never do that. Maybe some can, but I couldnt be lucky enough to have one.
Some events had triggered me to be rather sensitive today. A series of events, a series of words from people, a series of reactions that I received. I couldn't help but reviewing my ways of handling relationship. It's difficult to not care about what others think, it's not realistic to not compare your life with others. When things are clearly not right and should be improved greatly, there is no way to just let it be. It will become cloudburst eventually.
I once thought I had too much to lose, but now, I think I have nothing to lose.
It's just not making sense to not be good to myself. Especially when I am not the one that is in the wrong. No one is that different from others. Why should anyone be the one to change and sacrifice that much.
I am feeling extremely lonely right now. Time to pick a new TV drama and start from the beginning.
I woke up this morning, looking at the empty apartment and feeling something was lost.
My parents have been with me for the past more than 3 weeks. When they were around, I didn't feel much. As the leaving date was approaching, it was harder and harder to say goodbye. Those are the only ones who truly care about you, love you without any conditions. They would do anything for you. Your husband, boyfriend, and partner can never do that. Maybe some can, but I couldnt be lucky enough to have one.
Some events had triggered me to be rather sensitive today. A series of events, a series of words from people, a series of reactions that I received. I couldn't help but reviewing my ways of handling relationship. It's difficult to not care about what others think, it's not realistic to not compare your life with others. When things are clearly not right and should be improved greatly, there is no way to just let it be. It will become cloudburst eventually.
I once thought I had too much to lose, but now, I think I have nothing to lose.
It's just not making sense to not be good to myself. Especially when I am not the one that is in the wrong. No one is that different from others. Why should anyone be the one to change and sacrifice that much.
I am feeling extremely lonely right now. Time to pick a new TV drama and start from the beginning.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Time does changes things, but not all of them
Recently I have been getting in touch with some of my old friends - some I haven't seen in almost 8-9years.
It's amazing how you can feel so close to them even it is after so long. you feel you can say a lot of things to them and not feeling weird. While we have many so-called friends whom we see every day and say hi every time we see each other but the chemistry is just not there.
I think it's getting harder to get real good friends when we become older. I basically have fewer than 5 good friends in grad school and I don't know whether we will still be contacting each other after graduation. People go separate ways and only closest friends keep in touch.
Last night I was downsizing my facebook and nearly deleted 200 facebook friends. I dont even know how come I have over 600 facebook friends while for 80% of them I believe we will never see or talk to each other. I used to like sharing my life with the world using all kind of social media but now I am so private and want to keep any emotions myself. I once loved to get to know a lot of people, feeling like I am making connections but now I get lazy to starting new friendship, because in the end i know we will be on our own. Or any friendship built now can never beat my old friends who have been with me for over a decade.
am I living in the past?
曾经最掏心 所以最开心
It's amazing how you can feel so close to them even it is after so long. you feel you can say a lot of things to them and not feeling weird. While we have many so-called friends whom we see every day and say hi every time we see each other but the chemistry is just not there.
I think it's getting harder to get real good friends when we become older. I basically have fewer than 5 good friends in grad school and I don't know whether we will still be contacting each other after graduation. People go separate ways and only closest friends keep in touch.
Last night I was downsizing my facebook and nearly deleted 200 facebook friends. I dont even know how come I have over 600 facebook friends while for 80% of them I believe we will never see or talk to each other. I used to like sharing my life with the world using all kind of social media but now I am so private and want to keep any emotions myself. I once loved to get to know a lot of people, feeling like I am making connections but now I get lazy to starting new friendship, because in the end i know we will be on our own. Or any friendship built now can never beat my old friends who have been with me for over a decade.
am I living in the past?
曾经最掏心 所以最开心
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Share
Read this blog of a friend of mine who lost his mother for cancer and his father committed a suicide. I am amazed by his positivists and energy and he is impacting all the people around him.
I want to share something he wrote. I am truly inspired.
"Nelson Mandela once said, "Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies." Holding grudges evokes a steep, dreadful cost and that cost is wasted life. Holding grudges, believing as true our own dark, subjective, and carefully edited narratives of past and present events, is itself, a cancer, fed from the inside out by a consuming anger and hatred not just of others, but oftentimes of ourselves. How do we want our lives to be remembered? Hanging on to a misunderstanding in order to "be right"? Engaged in silent treatments? Partaking in petty gossip? Going to the grave squabbling over a few dollars?
I want to share something he wrote. I am truly inspired.
"Nelson Mandela once said, "Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies." Holding grudges evokes a steep, dreadful cost and that cost is wasted life. Holding grudges, believing as true our own dark, subjective, and carefully edited narratives of past and present events, is itself, a cancer, fed from the inside out by a consuming anger and hatred not just of others, but oftentimes of ourselves. How do we want our lives to be remembered? Hanging on to a misunderstanding in order to "be right"? Engaged in silent treatments? Partaking in petty gossip? Going to the grave squabbling over a few dollars?
No, not me. I prefer morning walks down along the river. Making a good loaf of banana bread. Reading a good book. The look on a student's face when they understand a topic in lecture. And now there is a dogwood tree to be planted. I want my life to be founded on choosing and receiving forgiveness, a "constant attitude" per Martin Luther King Jr. I want it to be a forward-moving, far-reaching trajectory of peace and spirituality in accordance with my values, that moves humanity forward. And even though I will stumble, toil, and struggle along the way in the constant work synonymous with any relationship, isn't that why they call it unconditional love? "
Thursday, February 28, 2013
My young dreams
I have been watching this show called "the face" in which young models wannabe got to compete with each other and were under mentorship of supermodels like one of my favorite Coco Rocha. They are young and fearless. The oldest contestants in there is 26 and everyone concerns that is too old. Which shocked me - I just realized I am about to turn 26. oh my G.
I had this young silly dream to be a runway model. It's not something that I can actually fight for given my education background. We were always taught to learn a skill for a lifetime in order to get a stable and good income. Being a model when I was young instead of studying in school seemed absurd. I remember when my agent kind of brought up the idea of me pausing school for a year and being sent to Shanghai for a year just to do countless casting and modelling full time, I felt it was too funny. I guess I didn't think about it too much and I just did some part-time photoshoot and runway when I had time. Being a model is not about being pretty. That's a good thing for someone like me who is not pretty at all. I did feel I should have invested more on myself to be a better model, but when I have the money now, it is too late.
I actually think I regretted it.
Well you know, if I did take a gap year, I may end up not going to PSU for exchange, not meeting this guy, not moving all the way from Asia to US, and not being where I am now. So life is full of surprises. No one knows if we are making the right decision.
This week's episode of "The Face" is bridal show. I used to dislike bridal show just because to me it was not fashion. or I just dont like the feeling that they took away my bridal dream. After you have wore more than 20 wedding gowns, you would feel your own wedding ceremony is going to be pointless. But it did bring back a lot of good memories. I remember the feeling that I was in the first wedding gown , also remember being tripped on stage and trying to drag the frigging dress out of stage. Those were never coming back. so it my youth.
I really dont know what I am trying to say. I guess I just want to admit there were a lot of things I wanted to do and I knew I had plenty of time and opportunities , but now, there are certain things that I just cant control. Live your life, don't waste it.
I had this young silly dream to be a runway model. It's not something that I can actually fight for given my education background. We were always taught to learn a skill for a lifetime in order to get a stable and good income. Being a model when I was young instead of studying in school seemed absurd. I remember when my agent kind of brought up the idea of me pausing school for a year and being sent to Shanghai for a year just to do countless casting and modelling full time, I felt it was too funny. I guess I didn't think about it too much and I just did some part-time photoshoot and runway when I had time. Being a model is not about being pretty. That's a good thing for someone like me who is not pretty at all. I did feel I should have invested more on myself to be a better model, but when I have the money now, it is too late.
I actually think I regretted it.
Well you know, if I did take a gap year, I may end up not going to PSU for exchange, not meeting this guy, not moving all the way from Asia to US, and not being where I am now. So life is full of surprises. No one knows if we are making the right decision.
This week's episode of "The Face" is bridal show. I used to dislike bridal show just because to me it was not fashion. or I just dont like the feeling that they took away my bridal dream. After you have wore more than 20 wedding gowns, you would feel your own wedding ceremony is going to be pointless. But it did bring back a lot of good memories. I remember the feeling that I was in the first wedding gown , also remember being tripped on stage and trying to drag the frigging dress out of stage. Those were never coming back. so it my youth.
I really dont know what I am trying to say. I guess I just want to admit there were a lot of things I wanted to do and I knew I had plenty of time and opportunities , but now, there are certain things that I just cant control. Live your life, don't waste it.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Write
I guess I have lost my ability to write.
It's been a while since the last time I wrote a long article. a few months I think. I found it hard to believe I once wrote a mid-size novel. although it was full of crap and naive emotions and story line.
I remember I used to write a lot in high school. I was studying in a boarding school where not many things were there for entertaining. Besides studying, I spent most of the time reading, listening to music and writing. I have to say , as an emotional teenager, the more I wrote, the more I got emotional.
Then I grew up to be a young adult. I learnt life is too short to be emotional about.
I am always jealous of those who can keep writing and be good at it. I guess I only write when I am lonely. Its more about pretending to be friend with myself.
Too many stories were forgotten. Because I didn't write them down.
Too many people were forgotten. Because I didn't write them down.
I am going to be all alone again in a strange place, with no friends. everything is a fresh start. Starting all over again. It's not exciting at all. but it will give me a lot of time writing absolutely nothing at all.
It's been a while since the last time I wrote a long article. a few months I think. I found it hard to believe I once wrote a mid-size novel. although it was full of crap and naive emotions and story line.
I remember I used to write a lot in high school. I was studying in a boarding school where not many things were there for entertaining. Besides studying, I spent most of the time reading, listening to music and writing. I have to say , as an emotional teenager, the more I wrote, the more I got emotional.
Then I grew up to be a young adult. I learnt life is too short to be emotional about.
I am always jealous of those who can keep writing and be good at it. I guess I only write when I am lonely. Its more about pretending to be friend with myself.
Too many stories were forgotten. Because I didn't write them down.
Too many people were forgotten. Because I didn't write them down.
I am going to be all alone again in a strange place, with no friends. everything is a fresh start. Starting all over again. It's not exciting at all. but it will give me a lot of time writing absolutely nothing at all.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Why
Why am I always the one to compromise?
Why am I not the one get to decide what to do?
Why am I the one who can't control my temper when I am angry while you get to do whatever you want when you are not in the mood?
Maybe it's a good thing that I will be gone soon.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Too good to be true?
You know when everyone keeps saying how bad the economy is, you wouldn't expect good things happen so fast. Is it too good to be true? I truly believe in balance - that is, sometimes you get good luck, sometimes you don't. I couldn't help but wonder : what is the next bad thing happening in my life. I mean I am not perfect, I have some done something I am not proud of and I know I will get punished some time in my life.
I decide to embrace what I have now and be thankful. *Peace*
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
求RP爆发
It seems tomorrow is the make or break point.
When you know a great thing may happen and all the hard work may finally be paid off. And it all depends on how you perform tomorrow.
*Nerve Break DOWN*
Saturday, December 1, 2012
I miss runway
and I don't think that I will never have another chance to do it ever again.
Time to admit that the youth is slipping away
Thursday, November 29, 2012
So easy. Simply so easy
It takes just a minute to ruin a perfect night.
We were having a great dinner and laughing. Suddenly everything turned to a huge fight. I didn't even remember how it started. Why people have to say harsh things they are angry. why it is so easy to lose control. All the sorries and apologies seem so useless when the damage is already done.
It takes just a minute to ruin a perfect night.
How many horrible nights it takes to ruin a perfect relationship, or a perfect life?
Why hurt the people you love.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Russia
Russia has always been a mysterious country to me.
When I was little, I remember being in a Russian city on the Russia-China boarder. That was my first time ever visiting another country. The weird black bread, beautiful Russian girls, tall and strong and unfriendly Russian guys.
Until I had my first facebook Russian friend - an amazing designer in Project Runway. I can't believe the small the world is and how much people can connect to each other.
Until I had my first Russian professor. The accent is just cute and Russian men all have weird sense of humor - in a good way.
Until I had my first Russian Colleague this year. Even I booked the Russian Flight tickets to go back home.
I don't why I suddenly have so many Russian connections.
I so wanna travel around the world now.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
trust in love
I believe in true love. I don't mean those big unrealistic romantic love, not everyone can experience great love, most of us would just have a peaceful but fulfilling love with someone that can spend a life with you. He / She doesn't has to be perfect, doesn't has to be rich or smart, doesn't has to be super sensitive, doesn't has to be saying i love you all the time. Actually we just need someone to laugh with, someone to cuddle when it's cold, someone to depend on when we are sick.
It's not that hard.
So Yes I believe in love. I believe love can last forever and true love waits.
I will never lose that faith just because I was hurt before. I did, more than once. maybe I will again. but love itself is a faith. A person should be strong enough to love again.
Believing in love is actually believing in yourself. believing that we are lovable as we are so amazing.
It's not that hard.
So Yes I believe in love. I believe love can last forever and true love waits.
I will never lose that faith just because I was hurt before. I did, more than once. maybe I will again. but love itself is a faith. A person should be strong enough to love again.
Believing in love is actually believing in yourself. believing that we are lovable as we are so amazing.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Realistic?
I am not a realistic person. there I say it, so let's drop it.I am not a career-oriented person too, so please don't keep talking to have a career goal. they say love hurts, but this is the only thing keeps me going. Whenever I think about love, it gives me strength to face everything. even love failed once or twice, I don't give up and think about being tough and never let anyone hurt me again. This is just not me.I believe in true happiness happens only if you put your heart and soul into something.Holding back is not an option.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Big Bug
Job hunting is a pain in the ass. Everyone knows it. Rejections and respondless applications will eventually make you feel hopeless.
I feel like that I am searching for job since forever. Internships, internships, full time jobs, and then internships now again. I don't know why I need to keep myself busy, I can't stand a summer without a job. I guess I am really realistic and always worrying about the future.
A few days earlier I finally got something out of nothing, a low-paid writing part time job but at least it is a start. The boss called me and said “I kind of like that you keep bugging me." Well , I guess I am a big bug. Yun used to hate me for keeping calling his phone until he picked up. If he forgot his phone somewhere overnight and never answered it, I may just keep calling for 100 times until the phone battery died. Same here, if i see a job opportunity comes up, I keep emailing to get the attention.
I call myself paranoid android for a reason.
Its good in a way but bad in a million ways. I only I only bug people when I feel insecure. I remember when I was doing the trading job back then, if I didnt get the confirmation I may ring the broker all the way until I got what I wanted. I cant be fooled or played around. I need answers, I need to know my loved one is ok, I need to feel safe. I always try so hard. maybe too hard.
chill, relax.
I will but only after i get it.
I NEED A JOBBBBB. *finger crossed*
I feel like that I am searching for job since forever. Internships, internships, full time jobs, and then internships now again. I don't know why I need to keep myself busy, I can't stand a summer without a job. I guess I am really realistic and always worrying about the future.
A few days earlier I finally got something out of nothing, a low-paid writing part time job but at least it is a start. The boss called me and said “I kind of like that you keep bugging me." Well , I guess I am a big bug. Yun used to hate me for keeping calling his phone until he picked up. If he forgot his phone somewhere overnight and never answered it, I may just keep calling for 100 times until the phone battery died. Same here, if i see a job opportunity comes up, I keep emailing to get the attention.
I call myself paranoid android for a reason.
Its good in a way but bad in a million ways. I only I only bug people when I feel insecure. I remember when I was doing the trading job back then, if I didnt get the confirmation I may ring the broker all the way until I got what I wanted. I cant be fooled or played around. I need answers, I need to know my loved one is ok, I need to feel safe. I always try so hard. maybe too hard.
chill, relax.
I will but only after i get it.
I NEED A JOBBBBB. *finger crossed*
Friday, March 16, 2012
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Teacher
I never thought I could be a teacher. well in fact, I am one now.
Its weird in the beginning, as I know my patience is quite limited. Also I dont like public presentation, I get panic all the time.
But i am doing surprisingly well. Its weird, too.
Coming to Morgantown may be a right choice. I feel good about myself. I mean seriously, I have never been so confident before.
But given a second thought, I have nothing to be proud of. I am older - all my fellow TAs are at least 1 year younger. I have been studying statistics for years - I dont see a point of being happy about doing good in something that I already knew.
As of teaching, I guess sometimes we just have to pretend that we are really teachers.
I feel myself slowly losing passion. I can settle for a boring job, I can stand a life without going out for years, I am living in a small town with no close friends.
I miss Singapore so much. But I guess no life is perfect. We just have to have faith - that a better tomorrow is coming.
Its weird in the beginning, as I know my patience is quite limited. Also I dont like public presentation, I get panic all the time.
But i am doing surprisingly well. Its weird, too.
Coming to Morgantown may be a right choice. I feel good about myself. I mean seriously, I have never been so confident before.
But given a second thought, I have nothing to be proud of. I am older - all my fellow TAs are at least 1 year younger. I have been studying statistics for years - I dont see a point of being happy about doing good in something that I already knew.
As of teaching, I guess sometimes we just have to pretend that we are really teachers.
I feel myself slowly losing passion. I can settle for a boring job, I can stand a life without going out for years, I am living in a small town with no close friends.
I miss Singapore so much. But I guess no life is perfect. We just have to have faith - that a better tomorrow is coming.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)