Maybe I am just happy

I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone,
But I have a light
The day is done,
I'm having fun
I think I'm dumb
Or maybe just happy

New Year Resolution

It is not new year yet, but I have decided on my new year resolution: to try making something new every week, it could be either cooking or baking.
I don't know how long this passion in kitchen of mine gonna last, better seize it before it is gone. :)

alone

I am on my own again.

I woke up this morning, looking at the empty apartment and feeling something was lost.

My parents have been with me for the past more than 3 weeks. When they were around, I didn't feel much. As the leaving date was approaching, it was harder and harder to say goodbye. Those are the only ones who truly care about you, love you without any conditions. They would do anything for you. Your husband, boyfriend, and partner can never do that. Maybe some can, but I couldnt be lucky enough to have one.

Some events had triggered me to be rather sensitive today. A series of events, a series of words from people, a series of reactions that I received. I couldn't help but reviewing my ways of handling relationship. It's difficult to not care about what others think, it's not realistic to not compare your life with others. When things are clearly not right and should be improved greatly, there is no way to just let it be. It will become cloudburst eventually.

I once thought I had too much to lose, but now, I think I have nothing to lose.

It's just not making sense to not be good to myself.  Especially when I am not the one that is in the wrong. No one is that different from others. Why should anyone be the one to change and sacrifice that much.

I am feeling extremely lonely right now. Time to pick a new TV drama and start from the beginning.

Time does changes things, but not all of them

Recently I have been getting in touch with some of my old friends  - some I haven't seen in almost 8-9years.
It's amazing how you can feel so close to them even it is after so long. you feel you can say a lot of things to them and not feeling weird. While we have many so-called friends whom we see every day and say hi every time we see each other but the chemistry is just not there.

I think it's getting harder to get real good friends when we become older. I basically have fewer than 5 good friends in grad school and I don't know whether we will still be contacting each other after graduation. People go separate ways and only closest friends keep in touch.

Last night I was downsizing my facebook and nearly deleted 200 facebook friends. I dont even know how come I have over 600 facebook friends while for 80% of them I believe we will never see or talk to each other. I used to like sharing my life with the world using all kind of social media but now I am so private and want to keep any emotions myself. I once loved to get to know a lot of people, feeling like I am making connections but now I get lazy to starting new friendship, because in the end i know we will be on our own. Or any friendship built now can never beat my old friends who have been with me for over a decade.

am I living in the past?

曾经最掏心 所以最开心

Share

Read this blog of a friend of mine who lost his mother for cancer and his father committed a suicide. I am amazed by his positivists and energy and he is impacting all the people around him.

I want to share something he wrote. I am truly inspired.

"Nelson Mandela once said, "Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies."  Holding grudges evokes a steep, dreadful cost and that cost is wasted life.  Holding grudges, believing as true our own dark, subjective, and carefully edited narratives of past and present events, is itself, a cancer, fed from the inside out by a consuming anger and hatred not just of others, but oftentimes of ourselves.  How do we want our lives to be remembered?  Hanging on to a misunderstanding in order to "be right"?  Engaged in silent treatments?  Partaking in petty gossip?  Going to the grave squabbling over a few dollars?  

No, not me.  I prefer morning walks down along the river.  Making a good loaf of banana bread.  Reading a good book.  The look on a student's face when they understand a topic in lecture.  And now there is a dogwood tree to be planted.  I want my life to be founded on choosing and receiving forgiveness, a "constant attitude" per Martin Luther King Jr.  I want it to be a forward-moving, far-reaching trajectory of peace and spirituality in accordance with my values, that moves humanity forward.  And even though I will stumble, toil, and struggle along the way in the constant work synonymous with any relationship, isn't that why they call it unconditional love?   "

My young dreams

I have been watching this show called "the face" in which young models wannabe got to compete with each other and were under mentorship of supermodels like one of my favorite Coco Rocha. They are young and fearless. The oldest contestants in there is 26 and everyone concerns that is too old. Which shocked me - I just realized I am about to turn 26. oh my G.

I had this young silly dream to be a runway model. It's not something that I can actually fight for given my education background. We were always taught to learn a skill for a lifetime in order to get a stable and good income. Being a model when I was young instead of studying in school seemed absurd. I remember when my agent kind of brought up the idea of me pausing school for a year and being sent to Shanghai for a year just to do countless casting and modelling full time, I felt it was too funny. I guess I didn't think about it too much and I just did some part-time photoshoot and runway when I had time. Being a model is not about being pretty. That's a good thing for someone like me who is not pretty at all.  I did feel I should have invested more on myself to be a better model, but when I have the money now, it is too late.

I actually think I regretted it.

Well you know, if I did take a gap year, I may end up not going to PSU for exchange, not meeting this guy, not moving all the way from Asia to US, and not being where I am now. So life is full of surprises. No one knows if we are making the right decision.

This week's episode of "The Face" is bridal show. I used to dislike bridal show just because to me it was not fashion. or I just dont like the feeling that they took away my bridal dream.  After you have wore more than 20 wedding gowns, you would feel your own wedding ceremony is going to be pointless. But it did bring back a lot of good memories. I remember the feeling that I was in the first wedding gown , also remember being tripped on stage and trying to drag the frigging dress out of stage. Those were never coming back. so it my youth.

I really dont know what I am trying to say. I guess I just want to admit there were a lot of things I wanted to do and I knew I had plenty of time and opportunities , but now, there are certain things that I just cant control. Live your life, don't waste it.

Write

I guess I have lost my ability to write.
It's been a while since the last time I wrote a long article. a few months I think. I found it hard to believe I once wrote a mid-size novel. although it was full of crap and naive emotions and story line.

I remember I used to write a lot in high school. I was studying in a boarding school where not many things were there for entertaining. Besides studying, I spent most of the time reading, listening to music and writing. I have to say , as an emotional teenager, the more I wrote, the more I got emotional.
Then I grew up to be a young adult. I learnt life is too short to be emotional about.

I am always jealous of those who can keep writing and be good at it. I guess I only write when I am lonely. Its more about pretending to be friend with myself.

Too many stories were forgotten. Because I didn't write them down.
Too many people were forgotten. Because I didn't write them down.

I am going to be all alone again in a strange place, with no friends. everything is a fresh start. Starting all over again. It's not exciting at all. but it will give me a lot of time writing absolutely nothing at all.

Why

Why am I always the one to compromise? Why am I not the one get to decide what to do? Why am I the one who can't control my temper when I am angry while you get to do whatever you want when you are not in the mood? Maybe it's a good thing that I will be gone soon.

Too good to be true?

You know when everyone keeps saying how bad the economy is, you wouldn't expect good things happen so fast. Is it too good to be true? I truly believe in balance - that is, sometimes you get good luck, sometimes you don't. I couldn't help but wonder : what is the next bad thing happening in my life. I mean I am not perfect, I have some done something I am not proud of and I know I will get punished some time in my life. I decide to embrace what I have now and be thankful. *Peace*

求RP爆发

It seems tomorrow is the make or break point. When you know a great thing may happen and all the hard work may finally be paid off. And it all depends on how you perform tomorrow. *Nerve Break DOWN*