Paranoid Android on the island

IMMORTAL BELOVED

2012-01-12T11:50:00.000-08:00

I first got to know Beethoven's love letters through , you know, like everyone, Carrie.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours

Until just now, I read it again. Its way too beautiful. Love is most perfect when 2 people cannot have each other. Who still write love letters if they are going through real life - all those little fussy stuff every day, grocery shopping, laundry, house keeping, paying the bills, discussions, misunderstanding, ignorance. People tend to forget how great love is after they actually have it all.

Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.

I am my own religion

2012-01-08T13:13:00.000-08:00

I never thought I was a strong person. I think I am just someone who can deal with my own problems. I cry when I want, I dont think thats a sign of being weak. But I never depress. I have my family, my dear friends and myself to hold me up together.

I dont mean to be offensive to anyone by saying I don't believe in religion. I don't know whether God exists. I don't dare to say anything about God. Sometimes I go to temples and pray too. But no I am not religious. I believe this is a private thing, like your true love to your lover. Only yourself understands how it is like and how much you appreciate the affection. It's true that people want to share the joy and happiness for a kind purpose, but it's just too much. Over sharing your love to your God and over helping others are like to upload photos of you and your lover kissing to Facebook.

It's too public to be holy. At least to me.

That's just what I am thinking. Sometimes I do feel blessed (or lucky i guess) and I am thankful and cherishing what I have now. But I also believe it is not a sin to be not religious. I should be getting what I deserve as long as I am a good person. And I will survive whatever difficulties ahead of me as long as I am tough and brave.

On the move

2011-12-29T15:44:00.001-08:00

I feeling like I am on the move all the time for the past 9 years.
From one dorm to another dorm, from one apartment to another apartment, from one country to another country.

I bet young people are like this. We desire freedom, we don't want to settle down. Or simply not ready to commit.
Its Christmas again. New year was once meant to be holiday, good food and hongbao. Now it means much more : a lot of friends in my age are getting married, and quite a few of them chose to do it during holiday season. Which is now.

Photos are all over the place. The smiles on the couple's faces, the beautiful lineup of the bridesmaids, the big white wedding cake and wedding dress.
I feel so happy for them, everything seems perfect - at the same time - same.

I couldn't help but wonder (since when I started to sound like Carrie...) what kind of wedding I will have. Or to be more exact, what kind of wedding I want to have. Then I realize I am even not sure whether I actually would like to have a wedding or not. I do fancy of getting married, being with the man i love for the rest of my life. BUT I hate the idea of wedding. In some sense I feel like Miranda.

You know, some "wise" person once advised the girls that NEVER IMAGINE/DREAM/WISH THAT YOU ARE ONE OF THE CHARACTERS IN SEX AND THE CITY. Well I believe either this is a guy who does not understand women at all or this is a woman who is really fake or never actually watched SEX and the CITY. We never hope to be like the girls in Sex and the City, we really ARE one of them. The whole drama talked about 5 kind of women: sexy, emotional and complicated Carrie, smart, powerful and independent Miranda, self-centered, open and wild Samantha, traditional, forever seeking for true love and good mother Charlotte, and the other women. (LOL) if you are not those " the other women" who are brainless and never think about what happiness is, you must fall in one or more of the categories. Basically I would say every single woman has some of the 4 all together deep down inside.

What is funny is : those 4 women seldom move. They just stay in their favorite city NYC forever. But as time went by, in the 2 movies after the drama, they started to travel. actually a lot of big decisions were made while they were travelling. I do believe its good to move every now and then. A never-changing life numb people, so its hard to see things clear. As you move, you start to reorganize your life, thinking about where is the best destination. You know to get rid of the redundant stuff to save trouble, and you start to realize what is the most important in your life that you have to keep it with you wherever you go.

Its a damn long blog as I keep talking about nonsense. To summarize, I am moving again this weekend to an apartment bigger than all places that I have ever lived. There will be me, a man and a cat. Time to pack.

attached

2011-12-17T08:24:00.000-08:00

its dangerous when you are emotionally attached to something, or someone.
We have all been there. only when you are not feeling insecure, then you know you are in the right place, you are with the right one.
For some reason, i have to send my little baby kitten away for a few days and its killing me. Although sometimes he can be such a bad kid, poop everywhere, jump onto the table and knock down the dishes, give you scratches, etc. But i love him. its weird i am so attached to a cat that i only adopted less than 2months ago.

I dont know what else cant really leave us. everything can, everyone one can.
as the ball of emotions rolls, as more friends we have, more attached we are.

Hope time will heal and all we have to do is to remember the great memories and looking forward for a reunion.

Well, I say it. Im just saying.

dream

2011-10-29T13:36:00.000-07:00

If you tell me your dream is to work in wall street. I will say nothing but laugh.
If you tell me your dream is to have your own portfolio and be good at it. I will say nothing but respect that.
If you tell me your dream is to live happily without worrying about money. being banker is just a job. I will give you a big smile and say "i understand".

choice

2011-10-21T13:31:00.000-07:00

its been a tough week. a lot of struggles and nightmares.
Its never easy to make a big decision. I am still not sure whether i am doing the right thing. but i guess good or bad, everything we do is our best choice that that moment.

All those complications. all those worries. all those what-ifs.

Just when you think something that can never happen to you, it happened.

I know my decision changed my life forever, yea its that big. But i have to do it. I have to do it fast. I cant stand another day just sitting there and thinking what i should do.

Then i heard about my grandma's surgery. Its just another upset thing in this week. great. Saturday is crucial. I need to go through the toughest part in order to move on. but i dunno how painful it will be , and how emotional i will get after that.

Then I think about the blind lady in the bus. maybe my life is 100 times better hers already. this small change shouldnt make me so down while she is smiling all the time.

I should be brave. I shouldnt be scared . Everyone can do it so can I .

I will be there and get it done. what i have lost, is something that we can never see, never get to know, or forever regret about .

But i guess we have to stick to the plan. There are prices to pay.

I love you. Please forgive me.

Another busy week just ended

2011-10-07T12:49:00.001-07:00

Exam + Homework + Teaching + Grading.
Typical busy week of a TA.

These 2 years will be such an experience for me. Life is never bored.
Sometimes I really feel that I hate teaching so much. I had to drag myself to the classroom and tried my very best to stay calm and passionate. But sometimes when you see you did get to help a student to understand stuff, you did make an impact by delivering the message in a good way, you will see what you do is actually meaningful.

Meaningful - this is something that I cannot feel for the entire year when i was working. Student's smile can light up your day, a student's frustration can make you feel down too.
I like to help those kids who care. and I hate to go to the lab that most of them are not listening. But as long as there is one person who is still paying attention, i guess i should just hold on and do the best i can.

Sick of this

2011-09-29T09:20:00.000-07:00

I am sick of people complaining.

If you want something, go and get it.
If you want to come to the states, then get your head down and start to prepare yourself.
If you want a good job, learn more and send resumes with a good attitude.
If you want a relationship, don't let your chance go by.

You are not that excellent, why you expect you are the center of the world and you can get whatever you want. living in your own little world may make you unique, but cannot make you adaptable. There is a REAL world out there, money wont come easy, job wont come easy, good friends wont come easy. Passion cannot be the only tool.

stop complaining and do something. please.

not important

2011-09-28T17:11:00.001-07:00

Sometimes you are just not that important.
suck it up and get over it.
you want his full attention but in the end you should be already happy if you can get 50%.
who you really are, what is on your mind? no one give a damn. so get a life.

I don't want to be the one always trying and saying sorry.
Yes everyone can make mistakes. Everyone may over-react.
But I deserve to be heard.

if a problem is not solved, it will be there forever.

Why guys always have this serious communication problem? They say women are weird but if you never say , how can you expect us to understand what you mean.
We may talk a lot, it's just because you never listen, never respond.

as if what we were saying is not important at all.

Work or Study

2011-09-28T13:16:00.001-07:00

If you ask me the differences between now and one year ago:
1) I am much poorer.
2) I am living in a better apartment
3) I wake up at 8 instead of 6
4) I used to shop every week. This is not true any more.
5) Every day is a presentation day now. AWWWWW

Just another ordinary day

2011-09-24T13:54:00.000-07:00

out of suddenly , i found how lucky i am .
we were relaxing at home in this saturday afternoon while people camping outside of our window for the big game day. I find a quiet place in my heart.

I am blessed to have what i have now. I know how hard these 3 years were and how hard we fight to get here. I went to all these troubles and flied from the other side of the earth to start the life i have now. it is going good and i dont want to screw it up.

I am still learning how to handle everything. just give me a little bit more time.

Lovely days

2011-09-19T18:33:00.000-07:00

I can always put a smile on my face.
I can always feel happy. because there is something exciting going on.
as long as I don't over think of it.

I won't ever ask for more than that.

detour

2011-09-19T18:31:00.000-07:00

just about when you thought you know what is going on. just about when you thought you get everything under control. just about when you thought you got perfect balance.

there must be something that get you totally unprepared.

You try to hold it but its just not easy.

on the road

2011-09-15T21:08:00.000-07:00

There are so many beautiful views on the road. sometimes you just wanna stop and have a long stay. but afterall, you need to know where you are heading to, where is your destination.

farewell is for a better reunion

2011-06-27T03:12:00.000-07:00

I understand this more today.
today an ex-colleague came back to office. once i thought i can never saw her again. at least not so soon. re-union is wonderful, we get to share jokes in office, refresh wonderful memories together and hang out.
The future is uncertain, who knows when and where there will be a reunion, the surprise is possibly just around the corner.
goodbye my friends. May the next time we meet be amazing, as we are all having a different life, a better life and we have so much to share.

this is it.

2011-05-16T05:15:00.000-07:00

I realized something today.
I never gonna be great in financial industry. not because I don't like it,just my personality will always get in the way.
I cannot be a business woman as well. My heart is not hard enough.
the world is about money, you cannot bring too much emotion in it. when you finds out, everyone else is just careless and selfish, you will either get hurt or get screwed.

Don't wanna get screwed? then you must screw others, and be faster.

I never would think i can even be emotional as an ops. I mean, it is really none of my business. But I do freakin care.

I am not working for a charity right now, but i hope one day I will.

The Great 90s

2011-05-01T06:48:00.001-07:00

there was a time, great pop singers were appreciated. thats the time when i was a teenager, when i was just about to grow up.
there was a time, great movies were made. not much fancy effect or music, people were just trying to tell classic story.

Its been a week of 90s for me.
Pride and prejudice
Sense and sensitivity
the young colin firth
the young hugh grant.
Michael Jackson
Backstreet Boys
Aaron Carter....etc etc

I got all distracted from my CXX book....damn it.

what a lovely era. So proud that I was there in the 90s.

Powerful

2011-04-19T06:03:00.000-07:00

90min facial treatment + massage after work yesterday.
its so nice.
The life of a normal OL: dress up, work, afterwork, dinner, shop and be pretty.
I have this life for one year. after leaving this place, there wont be any facials, wont be any shopping malls, wont be any pretty work dresses, wont be any crazy calls to the banks.
Blair wanted to be powerful before being with her loved one. I think i just skipped the first step.
But I feel powerful. more than ever. at least as powerful as fearless.

well...acually you dont have to say it to prove that you are powerful.

shit.

Hugh

2011-04-19T05:48:00.000-07:00

I have this crush on Hugh Grant these days and I watched almost all of his movies over and over again. Someone commented that he acted the similar roles all the time: charming and funny guy in love comedy. This is true.
Why actors have to take different kinds of part. Whats wrong with him doing the same stuff he likes and he is good at?
Hugh himself said he was not serious about acting. it is just some job he happened to fall for. He himself didnt understand why he was popular.

That is the attitude.
Why so serious?

oh I love Hugh Grant.

NIL

2011-04-18T23:32:00.001-07:00

myles kennedy has the greatest voice I have ever heard. it is sad to see that alterbridge does not have a larger fan base, our generation has lost its sense of what talented artists sound like. this is what music is all about people

My wish today

2011-04-03T20:36:00.000-07:00

I feel terrible.
about the shitty situation. and why this is happening to these wonderful people.
I hope I can change something. I hope I can make the situation better.

wish there is anything I can do.

Punishment

2011-03-20T19:33:00.001-07:00

I had a bad weekend. both physically and mentally.
is it some kind of punishment?

Lotus Flower

2011-02-21T19:40:00.000-08:00

You are the one II

2011-02-19T22:05:00.000-08:00

watched this movie yesterday. it said every marriage is a mistake, the difference is that whether you wanna keep the mistake going and live it.
I dont really agree on this. if it is a mistake anyway, why we have to do it.
in the end we just wanna find someone to spend the life with, so we wont die alone.
so, as long as i dun hate being with this person, then no harm doing it.
but if so, whats the difference from being a bunch of friends.

The passion wont be there forever. I know it. not a big deal .

I am emotional nowadays. guess ppl are like this when they are at some changing point.
I remember how it felt when watching the last episode of FRIENDS.
I just miss the time that we were hanging out together all the time . I guess nothing can last forever.

Looking forward to the reunions. there will be a lot of them. I believe there will .

Alone in the house

2011-01-29T06:35:00.000-08:00

All my roommates were off to China today. i am alone in the house.
I feel empty, and a little bit scared.
I guess i am not a loner, never. I sometimes do enoy being alone, having little time with myself and hate the sounds and behaviors of others. But yet, I still wish there are people around whenever I wish I was not alone.
I once stayed in a single room by myself. I sometimes was paranoid that there was someone hiding in the closet and that scared the hell out of me.
The secret of overcominng it is to sleep only when you are really tired, and you will fall asleep before you start to think of those nonsense.
Thats exactly what I am gonna do now.

Fear

2011-01-24T05:39:00.001-08:00

I listened to Rock music, I watched American drama, I took a shower, I made myself a cup of fruit tea.
The fear is still there. it refuses to go away.

I am not afraid of losing you, I am afraid of you.
Or i am just afraid that in the end you would break my heart.

I don't know your life and you don't know mine.

what is worse, is the deadly silence. I cant see you, I cant feel you, and now I even cant hear you.
Oh God I need to talk. Hanging up that phone made me exhausted.

I just hope tomorrow is better than today.

But when will this end.

wants

2011-01-15T05:53:00.000-08:00

When I was in primary school, I was described as "shy".
When I was in junior middle school, I was described as "nice", "smart" and "easy going"
When I was in senior middle school, I was described as "quiet" and "self imposed" (totally weird)
When I was in university, I was described as "passionate" (by Chinese friends) and "helpful and always smiling" (by dear hall mates)

always wondering what kind of person I am and what i want.

Recenly I watched a few movies on the growing-up stuff. It feels stupid that I realized I still donno what I want for my life, where my passion is. and Now i am 24, graduated from college and a working adult.
it seems my life is just pathetic as those in the movies.
I am just pathetic as those normal people without dreams.

They always say dreams are the most important things in life, you have to go for it, and then your life is complete.

Qi said I like to keep myself busy. Yes I want to make my life fulfilling.
Yes I do not have an actual goal, but I just wish I can get something every day, no matter its a good time with friends, a movie that makes me cry, some random thoughts come to my mind when i am on train, one hour relax time doing yoga or dancing, a delicious dish I cook for myself or a sweet phonecall to the people I love.

All those little tiny things build up my life. I guess my dream is just to keep living it. as much as I can. laugh more, cry less. enjoy more, stress less. have faith more, doubt less.

From some movie

2011-01-14T18:54:00.000-08:00

Maybe the truth is there's a little bitof loser in all of us, you know?
Being happy isn't having everythingin your life be perfect.
Maybe it's about stringing togetherall the little things...
... like wearing these pants...
... or getting to a new level of "Dragon's Lair"...
... and making those countfor more than the bad stuff.
Maybe we just get through it...
... and that's all we can ask for.

get over it

2011-01-12T16:09:00.001-08:00

I finally realize that if you wanna get over something, trying to avoid it is not gonna help.
You cant run from it forever it. eventually you will meet again.
Treat it with a peaceful heart.
Maybe one day, you will find it has become an important part of your life, but nothing else.

No news from US yet. I am panic.

New Blog

2011-01-10T01:50:00.000-08:00

I started a new Chinese blog @ sina. I can't stand reading my own stuff.
These years in SG made my Chinese bad like hell....damn it
and my English is still bad as before.

* pissed *

复活

2011-01-09T22:07:00.000-08:00

白天的时候人果然比较清楚
复活～
噩梦发疯胡思乱想神马都可以走了别来烦姐

too little sleep

2011-01-09T17:09:00.000-08:00

Today is holiday for me. No need to go work.
But my head is so heavy - lack of sleep.
I had a terrible terrible dream last night. I woke up and cried my heart out.
I forgot how long it lasted till i fell asleep again.
I decided to stay awake instead. I cant afford to go back to that dream again.

I blame myself. I am halfly responsible for that dream.
The evil side of me wish it come true. though it is damn wrong.

I should have better control of my head.

one and the only

2011-01-08T05:21:00.000-08:00

You calm me down.
with one sentence or two.
I feel safe around you. no one else ever gave me that.
Lucky me.

A feeling that cannot be mentioned

2011-01-06T23:30:00.001-08:00

I tend to have this kind of feeling whenever i come back from a trip.
especially a lovely fun happy and unforgettable trip.

I feel like going out again. so much.
Or else, my heart is so empty. I wanna be with those people all the time.
every day. forever.

the fact that it is not going to happen is sad.
I am an emotional person from the very beginning. This 2 years I have become a happy person. I think less and I stay thankful.

but today. I feel so empty.
Can someone promise me that no matter what, we will still be together. we will be friends for the rest of our lives.

make a wish

2011-01-05T16:43:00.001-08:00

we lit this up at Patong beach @ new year countdown party and made a wish.

How I wish it comes true.

all those uncertainties are killing me. I feel emo and unsafe.

I have no one to talk to. I even dun wanna talk to myself.

Emo - first working day of the new year

2011-01-03T16:40:00.000-08:00

Back from Phuket re-visit last night.
Its a nice trip. a lot of laughters and fun.
We found the same stores that we went last time, the old good memory just kept flashing in my head.
But still, Phuket is different from 3 years ago. We are different.

I was getting emo on the taxi to airport yesterday. I always feel Phuket is like an escape, escape from reality, choices, and responsibility. Pathetically I am still afraid of those even that i am now a 24 year old lady.

I remember last time we walked on the street in phuket, some Thai ppl asked us whether we were spending annual leave from same company. We were joking around that how old we looked, but now... time just flied. like hell.

Where we will be 3 years later.
I feel like crying. I have absolutely no idea why.

2011

2011-01-03T16:34:00.001-08:00

It is really time to let it go.
end this from where it started.

Lets see how 2011 will be like.

red eyes

2010-12-28T00:02:00.000-08:00

My new year wish: please please save my red eyes.

Hustle

2010-11-23T05:44:00.001-08:00

First rule of the con - You can't cheat an honest man, because an honest man doesn't want something for nothing.

read it somewhere

2010-11-18T20:25:00.000-08:00

I hope that you have been living a life that you are proud of.
If not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

PC games

2010-11-14T05:21:00.001-08:00

People say girls can never understand why guys love playing computer games so much. some say because games provide them a virtual hence perfect world which allows them to be the person they cant be in real world.
Yun said it is because life is so boring, he needs something to deal with, to relax, to keep himself entertained.
Whatever. I just hope I can be the one to replace those games.

Some day.

oh this weekend I made 炸酱面。 I am a fine cook now. Sometimes I am confused by those expensive dishes in high class resturant. they just make cooking complicated and taste more weird.
I am LC, I admit it.
And seriously I do not care.

年末

2010-11-06T22:16:00.000-07:00

似乎年末的时候时间都会变得慵懒起来
节日将近各个地方的打折也开始了人们奔走在大街上或者旅途中
年末很多人要把没有请完的假期用光今天你明天我的On leave

日子也就这样一天一天一年一年的过

哦昨天做的土豆烧牛肉今天蛋同学炖鸡汤

周末也就这样一个一个的过去了

Cooking

2010-11-02T03:13:00.000-07:00

I have been cooking these weeks. One reason is to save money and to eat more veggie at a much lower cost, the other is my cooking really tastes better than the hawker centre downstairs.

I start to understand why people say cooking is a lifestyle. u cook with the love of life.

My life is getting better. I usually felt i was not a traditionally good girl as in I couldnt cook, I couldnt be a housewife. It is not that I wanna be a housewife, its that I should have the ability to do anything. I can earn money, and i can also take care of a family.

Now i think I have accomplished that. I am happy with myself.

Lets pray life goes on as I have planned.

hate

2010-10-17T05:44:00.000-07:00

Some bad memory just suddenly hit my head from a picture in facebook.

it just made me sick.

I will keep things balanced but something is just too hard to go away because it is just too disgusting.

Sick. Sick. Sick.

Especially just after I had a wonderful weekend staying at home and enjoying my time.

TGIF Again!

2010-10-15T09:58:00.001-07:00

Friday is supposed to be nice.
But today is not so.

We deserve laughters, not tears.
I know I cry a lot. Thats because I cant hold back tears.
But it feels so different when seeing other's tears.
I hope everyone can be happy in the end , just like hope I do.

I got so many things await to be done...

I dont really talk to people about my work. But i was so pissed today that I have to say it out: BNP AUS is stooooooooooopid.
It may sound rude but they totally deserve it. I cant get things done properly everytime when dealing with them . Not even once.
Fullstop.

桃源人

2010-10-10T19:44:00.000-07:00

记得以前玩三国杀的时候我不怎么喜欢这个游戏又不愿意扫了朋友们的兴于是就号称桃源人按部就班的出牌其他的与我无关

就好象几天前的那个晚餐闷着头吃我的面抬起头来的时候始终是一脸茫然他们说的什么我似乎突然都听不懂了或者根本不愿意去听
问起我就是远离八卦珍爱生命

慢慢的不想笑的时候就不会勉强自己去笑
更何况我确实听不出其中好笑的桥段

张三李四他们如何和我有什么关系

自己的事情尚且还焦头烂额在乎的人失踪了不在乎的人就算就在我旁边绕来绕去的又有什么分别

我只要真心的朋友不要八卦式的问候更何况并不是每个人都愿意和别人分享自己的一切

我越来越喜欢做一个桃源人因为心里期待着一个不久会到来的桃源为着这个桃源我可以不要那片铁打的江山但是我怎么可以确定桃源是真的存在还是会让我撑着竹筏找来找去无功而返呢

所以至少给我一个可以连接的途径一点光而不是漆黑一片

need someone

2010-10-10T17:38:00.000-07:00

I need someone who i dont have to worry that someday he would just suddenly disappear.

it is killing me.

Chacing pavements

2010-10-09T23:41:00.000-07:00

I've made up my mind,
No need to think it over,
If i'm wrong I aint right,
No need to look no further,
This ain't lust,
This is love but,
If i tell the world,
I'll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And thats exactly what i need to do,
If i'm in love with you,

I'd build myself up,
And fly around in circles,
Wait then as my heart drops,and my back begins to tingle
finally could this be it

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

homesick

2010-10-07T04:32:00.002-07:00

Back home and left home again. this made me even more homesick.
When can i really stop travelling. When can i be with the loved ones every single day. when can i never ever need to deal with goodbyes.

its ok. I just dont like it.

C**

2010-09-02T06:09:00.000-07:00

i am not sure what i am thinking. I followed the crowd---i registered C** program exams. The one thing many people did, which i felt quite stupid about it. It could just help u get a job. The other day one CFA was asking me what is the probability of the mean +/- 1 std deviation.
well, ppl all forget stuff. thats the point. CFA cant help u become better, it just let others think u are better.

I didnt give a damn but now i paid 1500 dollars for it.

I promised myself to spend 3 hours study today. and I didnt. Its time to sleep.

人类的心是个无底洞。

push

2010-09-02T00:39:00.000-07:00

Why do ppl have to push me to give an answer.
I have not made the decision. Have not is HAVEN NOT.

If you don't like to live a free and easy life, I do.
I want to follow my heart. I want to see how it goes.

I was once that kind of rational girl and i hate her.

Be patient. You will know what to do when its time.

And why people cant understand that there are different kind of beliefs, opinions, and ways of thinking?

and lastly, why they think I am not properly thinking for myself and I am too silly to get the big picture ?

Hello. I am going to be 24. I gave myself a life till now. I got a job, a bunch of good friends, smart head and capability to handle almost everything. I was hurt, but I stood up again.

SO stop worrying about me pls. it does not help... the onlything i neede and need and will need is to support me when it is dark, to encourage me when I am down, to stand by my side even sometimes it is no one else to blame.

Silence All These Years

2010-08-30T01:24:00.000-07:00

有一件事情我对我的公司很喜欢办公室里一直开着radio 响着音乐而不是寂静得吓人或者电话声讲话声吵得闹心。
其实这个电台翻来覆去也没多少首歌不过good enough.

Silence all these years. 刚才在放。
我不喜欢星期一总觉得时间很难熬

总是感觉身上包袱很多。哪个丢了都舍不得只要一个又不满足。

十分不好

Weekend nonsense

2010-08-15T03:08:00.000-07:00

Since I started working, I have always waited for weekends. when they are finally here, time then flies like hell. weekend is about to over, again.
I am incredibly lazy lately. and I hate myself for that.
I have so much work to do, so many things to prepare. now its mid-aug, i get nothing done. People start to get lazy when they are out of school i guess.
I even dont read news at all.
thats why i didnt hear about the tragedy till the day before yesterday. and I blame myself for not caring about what is happening in my homeland, in the world. All we know is the stupid YOG is in town.
its really stupid. Last friday we were watching the flame passing in our office cuz they were running on the road beside our building. No one is watching, except boring ppl like us. ramdon people waved for the flames which made us laugh. Nobody cares, indeed. the openning ceremony is like a joke as well.

What more can i say.

THere is nothing really going on here. If i dont read news, i feel like the whole world is bored like me. Sometimes I peeped on the newspaper held by the ppl sitting next to me on the train and all I could see are those meaningless gossips.

But it is not what it is .
People are dying. people are crying. People are surviving. People are fighting. People are finally getting back together. People finally stop themselves from falling aparts.

Life is so short. there are disasters everywhere. people seem numb because everyone thinks the bad things are never gonna happen to them.

This is a weird weekend. it is so quiet. Its like a different life. Last time I had a weird dream. I cant tell who I am right now. I cant tell whether the people around me are real. or unreal. The presence is so vague.

and tmr is monday, damn it.

Bless

2010-08-10T06:13:00.000-07:00

Just wanna pray for one of my best friends...
He is one of the most positive, fun and happy person I have ever seen.
I cant imagine his face without those beautiful smiles.

Please.

plain like water

2010-07-14T20:18:00.001-07:00

life is like this.
No alarm and no suprises.

sometimes i doubt whether i am still alive.

it is not a good sign.

I am one lazy girl after my school ended.

it is not a good sign either.

someone hit me one more time.

Hurt

2010-07-10T07:54:00.000-07:00

You know what hurts the most?
The closest people of you do not trust you.

exhausted

2010-07-09T23:45:00.000-07:00

I have feel so exhausted.
after i move in my new house. today is actually the first day that i can just be at home and take a rest.
I am so tired for the previous 2 weeks.
Then I made an 2 hours phone call trying to make my mom undertand and trust me that I am a good and capable person.

Sometimes it is just sad.

Maybe the reason is simple-- not good enough. not rational enough. too emotional. People need a plan, but i dont have one.

is it some kind of big problem.

Sunday alone

2010-06-21T00:33:00.000-07:00

This Sunday was a good relax for me.
After an hour waiting with non-sense , I decided to follow my mood and said no to my old play which was to go see Pixar Exhibition. I went off myself and caught a movie.

Has "Long -distance relationship" become a global fashion topic?
It is on Sex and the City 2!

Could I say how much i love this drama?
You can always find answers, faith, and the same concerns you have in mind.

Please make a Sex and the City 3 next year....

理想主义

2010-06-19T20:08:00.000-07:00

我觉得我就是一个纯理想主义

Pure happiness - thats what we live for.

last night i watched the movie "Rogue Trader" which my boss suggested to me. After that I was reading the movie reviews online. One guy said "compared to the ones you love and the ones who love you, something is just not worth it."

Yesterday again, lunch, i was eating alone at YIH and enjoying those Chinese uncles working in the canteen joking around, WB walked over and sat down with me . He quitted his job and now preparing to apply a undergraduate degree in Music.

Life is short.

They all remind me there are not only me who is 理想主义.

We will get there.

Risk management

2010-06-18T22:53:00.000-07:00

If you are ever in a nice and friendly small company, you just wanna spend your life in small companies like this. It is just much easier and more comfortable than big firms.
I have 2 super funny bosses, one lady officer i report to which is smart, hardworking, extremly helpful and nice, and other 2 new collegues which are just so understanding and warm. I feel like working together with a bunch of friends.

Yesterday boss was talking to me about the project he was going to ask me to do, about risk management. It is not those complicated stuff we learn from school, no maths model, just common sense and put them in a systematic way. Everybody knows there is risk, what is important is whether you can identify it and how u gonna handle it. He talked talked talked, and dunno how he started to tell me story about Nick Leeson and the Barings bank. I am just a totally new comer in finance industry and knowing nothing about the industry I am currently in.
Anyway, I feel the learning process in small company is rewarding and yet interesting. I dun have the fear of my boss like the other fresh grad do, I dun need to face the stress and pressure from the company itself because we are on the same boat.

If I have to stuck in Sg right now, maybe it is the best place for a person like me to work.

narcissism

2010-06-11T08:21:00.001-07:00

For one time. today. After not looking at and reviewing my resume for months.
I opened it up by accident and read it again.

I actually quite proud of myself.
>_<

I tried so many things in college. My CV is twon pages long, with all those wordy descriptions. I guess it is not a professional resume at all but I just don't wanna delete any sentense. Every single experience made who I am now.

back from heaven

2010-05-31T04:38:00.000-07:00

I am bored to death here.

empty. quiet. lonely.

I never know 20 days can be so short. can be so wonderful.

Tomorrow is first day of my first full time job.

I should be excited about it.

but all I wanna do is to fly over an ocean.

bet

2010-05-18T17:16:00.001-07:00

i bet we are going to win.

Friends. Only seeing the photos is not enought!!! totally

2010-05-02T23:57:00.001-07:00

Last. One.

2010-04-29T07:34:00.001-07:00

Preparing for my last exam in uni which is tmr morning.
not really in the mood. Everytime I was trying so hard to get an A, the result is always disappointing. NUS grading system is alright, I wont blame it any more. I just hate I am too bad at exams, always make stupid mistakes. Always. Always. God know how many times.
Errrr.
anyway, this module is weird. gonna get it done.
Sometimes i feel i should be emo for another thing going to an end, well, since this module is way too boring and meaningless, i dont feel a thing.

Counting down.

2010-04-27T05:03:00.000-07:00

Only one week left for my university life.
As usual, just went to play pools and foosball at student lounge with my best friends. it was so fun, and laughing and memorable, as usual.
I dont know how many times left that we could play like these . 2 of them are going to another country for further study. ppl like me, after entering workforce, no regular holiday, god know when is the next time we can see each other again.
I am so used to have them around. we always have dinner together, hang out together every day. for the recent more than 5 years.
When all of them suddenly are gone , the life in this small island would become so empty.

omg i already feel so lost and started to miss them.

every time I watch the TV series FRIENDS, the scenes are so familiar as if i am one of them. indeed we are one of them, except we are not living together.

天下没有不散的宴席。只希望下一次宴席赶快来。

whats wrong with this world

2010-04-20T23:12:00.000-07:00

disasters everywhere.
this world is going insane.
what i hate the most is, sometimes we can prevent such tragedy from happening, we just did not do enough.
it is so helpless to find that we can do nothing
NOTHING at all.
we should have done something.
when they are showing off how advanced our technology devepment is, it is just a slap on the face that we even cant protect our own people from dying.
It's just a earthquake. How difficult it could be to predict it. we even claim that we can predict the economics.

Is money even more important than lives?

make a change

2010-04-20T07:11:00.000-07:00

Try this.
Go to bed every day at 10pm and get up at 5:45am.
You will feel the world is different, like me.

I should have waited

2010-04-20T01:23:00.000-07:00

The best opportunities always come last.
I may should have waited.
But...nothing to complain. I am the one who accepted the offer and moved on to plan up everything.
Again, my plan sucks, as always.
I have been recieving calls for interviews and wondering why they couldnt be more efficient and have to drag this till now.

I decided to shut my ear and mind up and just stick to what I have now.

也谈毕业

2010-04-18T04:49:00.000-07:00

日子越来越近了作为一个喜欢回首的人我却要好好的向前看
因为很多事情是不堪回首的越是回首越是有很多留恋很多遗憾很多的舍不得
最近就是感伤尤其像现在这么一个外面雷电交加随时可能大雨倾盆的夜晚

我有很多朋友大学四年最骄傲的就是认识了你们
我曾经有更多的朋友但是有些因为这样那样的原因已经不怎么联络甚至陌路
有些是缘分不够有些事缘分过多然后导致一个自己不想要的结果
anyway 我会很想念你们的。

两情若是久长时又岂在朝朝暮暮
我知道这个道理真正的朋友不会因为大家各奔东西了就没有了音讯
我知道这个道理真正的爱人不会因为距离遥远就彼此放弃
I have faith.
I just hate the feeling of farewell.

不过今天的离别是为了再相聚的喜悦
这个道理我也懂。我马上要去相聚。但是相聚总是短暂。我不知道走的时候会不会又哭的稀里哗啦。
我就是讨厌离别我就是希望大家每个人都能够永远在一起即使不是每天见但是我也想知道你们都在不远的地方转身既是。

高中没了。大学也没了。
我不是学生了。Yun说我整个心智还停留在17岁。在某些方面确实是的。
工作场上很虚伪。每次面试我都觉得我变成另外一个人。

人生真的是越来越迷茫不过这样也好反正每次我的计划总是烂得很。

settled

2010-04-15T03:54:00.001-07:00

it seems nothing needed to worry about now.
then where these worries came from.
I have no idea.

Trouble

2010-04-07T22:36:00.000-07:00

I never thought that things couldnt be settled till now.
I have so many issues to bargain with them.
I have so many worries and uncertainties.

I just want to escape.

one step more

2010-04-04T05:37:00.001-07:00

15 Apr..
please bless me this is going to be alright as well.
one last step of this thing which I have been planning for long.
Please...

16 months waiting. is it not too much.

The end

2010-04-01T09:28:00.000-07:00

The future boss said, it is the end, for you it is in a good way.
I feel released.

I dun really have big plans.
but what I know is, I can now start to plan my little trip.

Dunno where it is going, but the direction is getting clearer and clearer.

English name

2010-03-31T06:36:00.000-07:00

I am trying to get myself a new English name.
I found it is difficult for some ppl to rememebr my chinese name.
and ppl always pronouce Aileen wrongly.
well, not they are wrong, just they dun pronouce the way I do.

and i have done some search, i wanted to have a name which starts with M to match with my chinese name Mian.
it turns out that all the name I like have the meaning of obstinacy or rebelliousness.

Ok then.

Imagine

2010-03-31T06:03:00.000-07:00

People can be pissed off by being asked the same question over and over again.
such as: how is your job hunting.

It is a hell like experience.
u cant feel how i felt if you have not sent out over 200 applications.
have you been in an interview with 5 hours written test including 4 essays.
have you been invited to an event where you help out their hiring managers with their interviewing skills by rotating your self to attend 3 interviews continuously and each lasted over 40 minutes.
have you attend 2 or more interviews in one single day and u feel you high heels will broke in any minute in future.

being questioned. being judged. and being mistreated.

Now i would love to imagine the wonderful life after all these.
I no longer need to search job portal and sending resumes and doing online application for 5 hours every day.
I no longer need to rush myself to and running in the middle of the street.
I no longer need to wear the stupid shirt everyday and worry whether it is not fit.
I no longer need to wear the high heels and "enjoy" the watch from others like being watched as a some kind of weird tall animal.

I can find a place to sleep for the next half year.
I can book a flight ticket heading home and for that short sweet trip.
I can enjoy my little happy life with going for concerts and lying in bed with a great book.

Please . let the day come sooner.

为西南祈福甘露。

Reading

2010-03-27T20:55:00.001-07:00

it's been a while that I have not had such a night like this.
I went to bed very early, read a book in bed, then fell asleep.
THis is a ordinary night when I was younger, a few years ago.
Then i spent too much time reading. in classroom, in dorm.
Then i held a member card in an amazing library. compared to that one, the current library is just not for me.

The joy of reading is coming back.

Be strong

2010-03-19T07:53:00.001-07:00

Heard some bad news, a very nice girl, is losing her father soon. She is not aware of what is going on. I have no idea why her family want to keep it secret till now but it's absolutely unfair for her.
I couldnt say a word. I have to respect her family's decision.

She is wonderful, i have seen her for a few times, not recently, but she is smart, fun and mature. She can take it, I dunno why her family does not have the faith.

and there is a family going to be broken. there will be so many tears, and a long period of hard time.
Fate is unpredictable. no one for sure will have a tomorrow.
let's live it with no regrets. for the ppl around, for ourselves.

Today I slept with my earphones on, and woke up with the grunting sound from the other side.
isnt it lovely.

2

2010-03-17T07:55:00.000-07:00

it's my second day of being like this.
whenever I am doubted , I will try to push myself closer to what I have been beliving in. I need to give myself more sense and hope someone will also support my argument along the way.
But when I realize i am the only person who want to make sense, things become nonsense. I dont want to fight alone. I am too young, yes you may say. I am not mature enough, then shouldn't some mature enough person should understand growing up does not take only one day or one year.
remember that joke about flying fish with 6 eyes. you laugh out loud and yet courage is that important.

I wanna prove something. I did such bullshit for so many times that I could not count them all. now I am doing it ever again and the same struggle is here like forever. I don't like such things . I wanna be honest, I wanna do whatever I want and never judge or justify whether it it worthy.

2nd day. I am already like a mad woman.

I was doing my last project in uni for the past few days and i met really great and fun group mates. I kind of get the feel that I dont want university to end, i love doing projects with bunch of responsible, smart, fun-loving and happy people. I have so much fun discussing with them and then recieving rewarding outcome. THe other day after project meeting I had dinner with Brian and JJ. they started to talk about philosophy and then go all the way to relationship. Brain said, people are selfish unless they have the connection with each other, all other things like companionship, can never lead you to true happiness.
well, I am more and more blur with the connection part. if it is true, isn't it that the person in a relationship should be happy for what the other half is happy about, and should be aware of whatever the other half is interested in, involved in and dedicated in?
The world will be so much better with it. OMG.

There is true love, there is true love, there is indeed true love.
prove to me. prove to me . and prove to me .

Someone said it is the timing that matters the most, but eventually it's the person. I dont wanna sound pessimistic but , how will we ever know.
if you dun choose option 1, you will never know option 2 is the better, and whether there is other option which could be the best.

I was wearing the Pokerstar t-shirt which took forever to arrive finally. if life is like a gamble. doesn't it require skills as well like Texas holdem? you need to see everyone's face and betting and determine the amount u r going to bet. or will u bet in the first place.
There is never an easy way out. never never.
I keep telling myself never. I could not test myself and others any more.
but if not, how would i know.

"u have A's, dont u".
You look into my eyes saying, 你不懂，it is the risk you have to take.

Don't u dare to bluff me.

Connection

2010-03-05T18:37:00.000-08:00

when i almost lost the connection, there is always sth to remind me.
a postcard, a call, a lovely msg.

my dear friends. How can i live without u guys.

sg is ..the same

2010-02-28T03:21:00.001-08:00

home is so good, in contrast sg is like hell.
the food in canteen got nothing tasty, i even cant watch olympic games online.
life was packed, fyp was driving me mad.
report is due tmr, weird that i feel a bit lost to see the project is going to an end.
maybe i am too used to the regular meeting with prof.gan, maybe the passion of research is still there. it's not a bad thing, isnt it.
went to NTU, met some interesting ppl, played texas holdem for the whole night. it is the first time for me to play with real chips. gambling is not good though it seems i am not a bad player.
no gambling, no drinking, no smoking.
but someone is doing all these 3. i can do nothing about it.

my head is still heavy cuz of not enough sleep and sg cannot be any hotter. it is killing me, killing everyone..

I still confused about my direction. seeing ppl got offer from grad school, seeing ppl got offer of a good job, while i still dunno what i want. Then it is reasonable that i dun have anything. fair enough.

anyone wanna acompany me travelling around the world?

Back Home

2010-02-11T22:40:00.000-08:00

It's cold. but it's good to be home.
Remember the talk with Colin the other night over dinner. i decided to make a new year resolution : try someting new every week. at least one new thing that I never did before.
So yesterday , I curled me hair.
it looks weird....very weird..and the first time I think my hair is not long enough.

I am again being confused these days.
I am so afraid the cycle is coming again and ruined my chinese new year and V day.

Cloudy

2010-02-06T23:14:00.000-08:00

Just when you think you've got life figured out, Fate throws you a curve ball. Then you realise, life is pain, life is joy, life is hope, life is love, life is hurt, and life is beautiful.

Saw this in his facebook. He is leaving for Australia for further studies. How wonderful is that. I feel bad for missing his last show next friday cuz by then I should be at home already.

6 years. How many things could be changed in this six years.
One can fall in love with this city, one can also get rid of it as soon as possible.

Fate throws a curve ball.

It's a parabola which does not have a close-form with too many parameters.

too complicated to calculate, to model, to estimate.

Last night i was up till late 4am. I was not thinking too much, but thinking about one single question endlessly. no solution.

Everytime I think it becomes clearer, then it starts to fade away.

It is cloudy today, think I still cant swim. shit.

long sleep

2010-02-06T04:45:00.000-08:00

Too busy and exhausted these days.

I got tons of stuff to do before going back home for CNY.

Even my days are packed like hell, I always need a few mins to talk.

I am confused when familiar scenes come again.

all over, all over again.

Why there is always a cycle like that. Whenever I thought things were changed, whenever I thought I wouldn't be so lonely, the cycle is back.

I am too tired to fight, to argue, to try to persuade.

I am nice person. I am always a nice person.

Today I went to Anita's lab to play wii, rock band. maybe now I need sth to unload my emotions, like drums, like ktv, like swimming, like martini.

I just want to get a long sleep and do not wake up until the cycle is over and my phone rings.

麋鹿

2010-02-06T04:32:00.001-08:00

麋鹿是一个很奇怪的生物

有时候很体贴有时候很不耐烦

有时候让人感动的稀里哗啦有时候让人难过的泣不成声

所以我很容易迷路

不知道要怎么做才到出口

路很长我也想要一盏长明的温暖的灯笼

让这里不是很空不是很孤单

最近看了好多好多电视剧看得很晚看到第二天头痛

只看喜剧只看皆大欢喜

都是好事多磨几年几十年的分离和误会

终究会有好的结果

也一定会入戏相信电视里的就是真的

真不像 22岁的人。

委屈

2010-02-05T04:02:00.001-08:00

。

Love story

2010-01-27T08:21:00.000-08:00

I have been watching a lot of TV series.
Black and White. Silence. Jin Da Ban.
People died. Happiness is so hard to get and too short to last.

I know they are not true love story.
But can i be as crazy as them just once and forget about anything else but love.
People are getting practical and realistics, me too.
Too many worries, too many fears.

我也想做盛月如。

一句老话

2010-01-21T04:31:00.000-08:00

突然想起很久很久以前一个人在我本子上写的一句话
你的意志已准备好了你的脚步也就轻快了

This is so true. 目前之所以觉得脚步沉重或者心情低落也许都是还没有准备好。
I still need time to get myself ready.

Full of doubts

2010-01-17T06:35:00.000-08:00

What if I do sth not traditional.
I tried to make sense.
but sometimes sense is not easy to get.

i DONT KNOW

2010-01-17T06:30:00.000-08:00

I have no idea what is my inspiration in life.
I have no idea what I wanna do after graduation.

Can I just take a rest and have fun.

人生目标

2010-01-16T04:20:00.000-08:00

我不知道
我想尽孝也想自由自在也想呼风唤雨

Nervous

2010-01-12T08:24:00.000-08:00

I have bad presentation skills
I can do free chat, but not prepared speech..
I am nervous for tomorrow. seriously. especially i feel I am not fully prepared. Especially the people listenning are professors.
Especially my supervisor is such an expert in this field.

And I booked myself a movie ticket tmr for Avatar. Because I heard tmr is the last day for it and people keep saying good stuff about it. Though i dun really buy it. I never get interested in those movies have nothing but showy effect.
Well, I probably should not judge since I have not watched it yet.
I once promised myself not to watch it. Even all my friends went to watch and I upset them that time.
Alright I am still going, all alone.
I have not went to movie theatre alone for a long time.
It just reminds me of those good days with someone by my side.

Let's see how Avatar is.

sha!

2010-01-11T08:07:00.000-08:00

I have met many funny people.

But it will never happen again that the whole large group of funny people getting together again like high school.

I cannot feel like I am 23 already whenever I am with them.

Surviving

2010-01-06T00:17:00.000-08:00

Last december was no holiday at all.
Most busy month ever in my 4 year university life.
Job+G+FYP.

yesterday prof Gan asked me. why you take GRE. Why you also working. why 1 year. why why why. He had a lot of whys and i have no good answers for them all. i am in a difficult situation that I cant even figure myself out.

why i have to grow up and make decisions?

Bintan 2 days

2010-01-03T08:52:00.001-08:00

This is only my 2nd time I went out of Singapore for holiday. I got a fever and rested one day in Bankok hotel last time. This time I hurt my foot and I had to borrow a wheelchair from hotel. good job. but seriously i love the trip.

These are all my good friend in this boring island.
I have no idea how i am gonna to stand the 5 years without you guys.
I just wanna wish the very best for all my friends. No one knows where we will be in the coming year or 5 years. After out graduation, i am not sure how often we can see each other. We wont be so free to meet up for dinner so easily. we wont be even in the same country.
just hope everyone happy and be who you wanna be in future.

this is my last semester.
I am going to miss my university life so much.

ever

2010-01-03T06:27:00.000-08:00

My mom wrote me a letter.
it is very long but every single word of her concern is exactly what i am concerning about.
My most wonderful dream is me and the other most important 4 persons can stay close, close enough for me to see all of them easily without a 12 hours' flight.

Sometimes all we need is a little bit more time.
and a little bit more faith.

I don't where this is going, when it reaches its end.
Let's just hope for the best.

and Y got an car accident today. luckily he just needs to repare the car , nothing happened to himself.
Please stay safe. especially in snowy night.
During the time that I am too far to take care of you, pls do it yourself...
the day will come...though i have no idea when.
god i am sad.

and mom, i wish i can be close to you and dad every day. I know how hard days can be without your only child. I am not a good kid. I chose to fly away.
But I will be back. Just let me sort things out.

Love you all.
I wish 2010 will not be too bad.

Dont worry , be happy

2010-01-02T04:07:00.000-08:00

there is enough pressure.
let's see how it goes.
i have to stop being worried.

ily ly.

这一年

2009-12-31T18:29:00.001-08:00

最近很烦心。虽然还不到时候烦。但是模糊的未来叫我不知所措。
2009年。我不知道如何评价的一年。
8个月杀G之旅告诉我了什么叫做不放弃什么叫做坚持什么叫做全力以赴。
之后了。为了什么。
我不是一个有远大目标的人。我知道。但我也不是一个毫无目标的人。
这是好事也是坏事。
2009年1月。从美国回来。前几个月哭哭啼啼。中间几个月奋奋斗斗。后面几个月恍恍惚惚。
面前有了选择。而且是一选就无法回头。
人生原来这么像赌注。结果可以很好也可以一败涂地。
Yun输光那天，我才发觉原来他不是一直都在赢得。
我呢输不输得起。

昨天施叔叔说了一句话：年轻就是资本。你们都是亿万富翁，可惜很多人都不知道。
人生的轨道变来变去。人总是会慢慢开始变得不安全。
我总是给自己说一辈子还长着呢，万一错了也没关系。
可是真到了做觉得时候，前瞻后顾。

总是不能两全。为什么呢。

转眼要23了。现在进去forever 21的店都在想自己还有没有资格。
2010年过去的那天，应该已经做好了决定。应该已经抛弃了很多。只能寄希望与自己也会得到那些朝思暮想的东西。

我要幸福。可是幸福好难。

MerryXmas

2009-12-24T04:37:00.001-08:00

This is Christmas Eve.
I am alone at my room. it is always the best way to celebrate.
the 2 Christmas before univerity were nothing but crazy night at orchard.
we got dirty and wet and tired. this is no longer our thing.
then the first 2 Christmas were almost the same. had dinner with AJ and then we went back home early before 8pm and enjoyed out silent night.
last year was the best ever.
this year, i got the best gift yesterday from myself and now i am loving the night. quiet, no people around, and the distance to Rhodes Island is even not that far.

can i just make a wish.

Say goodbye to my dear friend who has been with me for 8 months

2009-12-23T07:12:00.000-08:00

Finally.
it would be totally an unique experience with you.
you dont know how much i am thankful now.
thank you for being fair to me.
suddenly the bad results came out yesterday means nothing.
because efforts finally are paid off now.
I wanna thank many people.
And I wanna thank myself for hanging there, for keep doing the tedious and boring work with no sense of speculation.

It's a long way.
Though it is true for some people who don't care that it is not a big deal at all.
yeah it is just a test which can determine nothing.
but it tells me, life is worth fighting for.
and though it let you down once, as long as you do not give up.
the day you hope for will finally come.

I am way too happy. Need to get some sleep.